I'm exhausted, mentally, spiritually and physically. My body is hurting in places I didn't know it could hurt, some days just heaving myself out of bed causes pain to shoot all over me. I either sleep at night so heavy when the alarm goes off it shocks the system and because I've not woken naturally I spend the rest of the day feeling fuzzy headed, or I don't sleep at all which leaves me feeling so drained for the following day.
I work hard, always have done. I've never worked less than 48 hour weeks, always worked over a 6 day week; I've done that (and so many more hours) for the past 35 years. For the first 10 years of my working career I had just one weeks holiday each year; this did go up to 2 weeks each year. Between 2006 - 2014 I was back to just one week each year. I did manage 3 weeks in October 2014, then was back to one week a year until 2019 when I did a week at the beginning of the year and 10 days at the end. Nobody can tell me I've not put the hours in, not done the work.
Of course I am well aware there are people out there working twice as hard as me; people who have no time off, haven't been lucky enough to go on holiday or travel anywhere other than the place I live. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for them, which is why I tend to keep things in, bottle them up, not say anything because compared to those people I have the world. I've been overseas; I've seen geysers, stood on mountains; I swam in the caribbean sea, drunk moose drool in a bar. I've watched an eagle soar over my head, seen a brown bear digging up roots less than 10 feet away from me. I was lucky enough to fly first class (an old friend was a flight attendant) have ridden the elevator at the Empire State Building - what a rush that was. First time I ever suffered from vertigo. I made sacrifices to be able to achieve all those things, went without for years to scrimp and save. I drove cars that bits fell off, that had no heating in winter or cooling in summer. Cars that would jump out of gear when you went to pull away, and with roofs that would leak.
I've lived in a studio flat (more like a bedsit) that was disgusting but all we could afford. I lived in my car for a while, and on a friends sofa. I've lost my Dad, boyf and best friend at the ages of 49, 26 and 42. I've had my heart broken and trampled on more than once. I've been beaten, used and abused. I'm now middle aged, alone, living with my aging Mum who is reliant on me more and more every day. I currently work 60+ hours each week; when not at work I'm looking out for her, and trying to fit in time with my best friends daughter and her children. My bank account is deeply in the red, my credit cards are maxed to break point, thanks to a massive loan an ex of mine took out in my name, forging my signature 25 years ago. I knew nothing about it until bayliffs turned up at my door; I had no proof it wasn't me who signed for it so I have been responsible for it. The trouble is the repayments were twice the amount I was earning, so I had to quit a job I loved, take one I hated, just to cover a loan for money I never got to spend.
Yes, there are people far worse off than I am, but right now, here, in this moment, and at this point in time, I am exhausted, and I still have so many battles still to come. People always say "If there's anything I can do, let me know" or "I'll help out a little more". It took me a long time to admit I was struggling and needed a little help now-and-then and the crazy thing is all those who offered, said they will start to do more to help are still living their lives as they always have and I'm still the one dealing with it all, which is fine. I am blessed to still have a Mum who is alive, I am blessed to have a job I love; I am human though, and as a human I have feelings, issues to deal with. I live in a world where people around me are struggling with their own mental health; I understand totally and am there whenever they feel to talk. Oddly enough none of them is ever there when I need to talk. It's as though I don't really exist. I'm just the person who complains a lot, the one they don't really want to spend time with because I annoy them. Pretty sure though if I was no longer here they'd soon be wishing they could have me back annoying them; maybe then people might realise that whilst I do have it all, everything each day is a struggle. Spiritually, physically and most of all, mentally.