Wednesday, 2 September 2020

Loss of faith

Not in an almighty sense (I have never, and will never believe in a god - as such) but in myself. 

It happens every now-and-then; I question why I am here? What is my purpose, and how can I change the things about my life I don't like? I wonder whether I am a good person (deep down, somewhere inside) or if I'm not really that nice after all (cross me and I can be a real bitch). The past couple of weeks though I've been feeling totally lost. As though I don't know who I am any more, and whilst I still plan on being here at the age of 96, I have wondered what the point of it is all is and I why I have bothered to carry on? I'm sure we all feel like it some days. I also have to remind myself I am a woman-of-a-certain-age, whilst telling myself off for thinking that way, for age should not have anything to do with it.  

I guess, what I've really been missing is friends. I don't actually have any, any more (not that many of them were friends to begin with; they were just people who hung out with me as long as I way paying for them to have a good time, or who just needed a verbal punchbag) however, I can't afford to go out and do stuff with a friend right now, so I'm not going to put myself out there to find a new one. Besides, I think I need to learn to like myself again before I try to allow anyone else into my world. See how contradictory about myself, and my life, I am? Crazily, whilst wanting to spend time with other people, and live in a world where 1, or 2, friends to hang out with would be nice, I went and deleted my facebook because I had got fed up with people (I also hate so many things about it.. I'll go back; a lot of my family and the few friends I have left scattered about the world live in there, but I really do hate it; with a passion). I had to step away from all the politics and negativity that people share there, day in, day out. I had to get away from the people who share the same photos, just at different destinations, of their kids in the exact same pose every-single-time. Share them, by all means, but try to come up with something a little different. I have one friend who you could take every photo she's ever shared of her kids, line them up and play "spot the difference". Another constantly shares those ones which pop up on your news feed under "memories" or some other crap (used to be timehop). It's the same picture she shared earlier that day just taken in a different year. Don't even get me started on the ones who think it's a great idea to share the posts that end "I bet I know which ones of my friends will share this". Yep, and it won't be me. See what I mean and why I say I'm not entirely sure I'm a nice person? Would a nice person house such thoughts towards others? 

I've really been beating myself up about it all and then this morning, something changed. No, I still don't want to see your same old same old, and I don't want to see you saying how amazing your angel children are, when we all know they are truly the devil-in-diguise (another thing I absolutely love about my Number 1 is she calls it like it is; she's honest and upfront when her little one is being a bugger) but somewhere along the way, the nice version of me crept in. Maybe it was because the weather has changed. There was a distinct feel of autumn this morning; that means the heat is fading, the cold is coming. The smell of bonfires will be filling the air, the leaves will be changing, showering us with glorious colours. I always say I love the winter but I think, deep down, I'm more of a late autumn/fall lover. There always seems to be a magical buzz in the air as well once things start to change. This morning, for the first time in a long time, I felt good. I got to work with a smile on my face, and even though a few things went wrong this morning (one of them pretty drastically) I've still kept smiling. 

Then I had a customer in. She's just lost her brother - something I don't ever want to have to experience (being the eldest of the 2 of us I'm hoping it will never happen). we got chatting and for the first time she understood what my job is about. It was so weird and oddly refreshing. So many people tell me how lucky I am (which I am - I will never deny that) to do what I do, but they only see the good side, they have no idea about the 'real' side to it. This lady did. Our conversations then lead us to the spiritual side of life, something which I believed in for so long, then gave up on, finding logic in pretty much everything (one thing did, and still does vex me on the whole subject) and by the time this lady left the shop she could not stop thanking me. She told me I had just helped her deal with her brothers death in a way she didn't know she would be able to. I'm not entirely sure what it was I said, but to know that I have been able to help someone during their most desperate of times, really helped me to get a grip on what I have been feeling. Even if she is the only person for the rest of my time as a mortal on this planet (96 minimum) to know I have helped someone today to feel a little better about their own life was a real blessing, and made me think that maybe that's what my life is about. It's not about me, what I want/need; it's about being there for someone else when they are in need. I know life should not be about personal gratification, however, I cannot tell you what a difference it has made for something I've done/said for another person to actually be appreciated. Not something I get to experience often. Yes, today has been a good day. In fact it's been that good I've even bought a lottery ticket for tonight; and I never do that (euromillions occasionally; lottery hardly ever). You'll know if I've won when I start sharing photos from cold climate countries :) 

No matter who you are, there will always be people in your life telling you that you're not good enough. Don't allow their voices, to become your voice; the one inside your head. Don't allow doubt about how truly unique and genuinely amazing you are, to creep in. It's really not a good place to be. Be your own brightness on the darkest of days. 






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