when I got up this morning, I opened up my phone to see what the time was (it's easier than looking to see the clock in the dark, or asking alexa (yes, I have an alexa) to tell me it) and as I did so a notifcation flashed up on my facebook. Being the nosey bint I am I opened it, and the first words to greet me were "It's a new dawn, it's a new day". A random post shared by some humourous page I follow, yet it really gave me a strong feeling of hope, because just-last-night I told myself "no more; things have to change and this time they have to stay changed". I can't help but wonder if there really is more to this world than I could ever know, or understand.
That theme continued when I got to work. I logged onto the shop computer and while there opened up my personal emails because I had a bill to pay and needed to find the email reminding me which one it was, and top-of-the-list was an email from Slimming World, telling me their new site is finally up-and-running and it was time for me to make the switch. Another new start, another new beginning, when last night as I was telling myself I need to stick to change I had also planned on getting my fat arse back on my healthy eating plan, today. I believe the universe is most definitely trying to tell me something.
For the past few months I've been more-and-more myself; the person I really am, and that feels so good, however, there were still bits of me I kept hidden away. I've hidden behind so many different persona's over the years, because for such a long time I believed the only way to really be myself, was by being someone else, and for a time it felt good. I opened up about my life, how I've been treated, the things I have felt. I said exactly what I wanted to say; I allowed only people into my virtual world, that I wanted to be there. It was exceptionally liberating.
It was also a lie....
I shouldn't have to hide who I am; I shouldn't have to behave in a certain way just so I don't upset/offend someone else. I've spent my whole life tiptoeing around, not wanting to upset that person, or being afraid of upsetting another and all I've ever succeeded in by doing so is making myself miserable and unhappy. This year I've made so many changes to my life and for the first time I can ever remember, I am genuinely happy (obviously a lottery win would make me ecstatic but for now I'm more-than-happy with my lot-in-life).
My whole life people have pushed me around, told lies about me (one even lied to my face once, about me) and done all they can to stir up as much shit as they can because they A) don't like B) are just twisted creatures who think they are funny. I've let these people get to me, hurt me, cause me stress. The day I said "no more" earlier this year was one of the best of my life. Just a few weeks ago 2 who have tried many times over the years to cause as much upset and stress to me as they can (there is an option C) because they are jealous) gave it one-last-shot. They have failed and the reason they have failed is because they underestimated me. They thought it would hurt me; they were wrong. If someone is told a lie that I am meant to have said, it is up-to-them whether they choose to believe it. I have no control over someone else's thoughts, feelings or beliefs - nor would I want to. That person is then free to walk away and exit my life. Of course, I would miss them, but I would rather not have them in my life, than be forever wondering whether they are thinking "did she really say that, or do that?". I don't want anyone in my life who doubts me. Ask me a question, I'll give you an honest answer. Always have done, always will do. The people who went telling tales are gone; removed from my life and they will never be allowed back in. There are no second chances any more. Cross me, abuse me, or tell tales and lies about me and you will be gone. I meant it when I said earlier in the year that life is too short to put up with other peoples shit and that is far more liberating than living a lie.