Coward?

I don't believe so; I personally think there is a world of difference between a coward and someone who is non-confrontational, but I was called one today, none-the-less. 

Someone I know is having an issue with another person and asked me to back them up as I have had issues with them before. I refused. Partly because the person asking has done nothing for me at any point in my life (including when I was having the issues) and partly because I don't want to. I've reached that point in my life where I choose which battles to fight, and this isn't one of them. If that makes me a coward, I can live with that. 

I've never been one to like confrontation; I have always chosen to walk away. Not because I was scared to retaliate (although, I guess in a way I was - not how you are thinking) but because I often do not see the point. I try to weigh up whether a confrontation wtih solve an issue, or just make it worse. If it's not going to solve the problem, then there's no point; it's easier to just turn your back and walk away. 

There have been many times in recent years when I could have tackled someone over one issue or another; instead I realised such people weren't worth my time and effort, leaving them to deal with it themselves. If they then chose to bring it to my door I'd still have to weigh up the pros and cons over whether I give it the time they want, or choose to ignore. 

That doesn't mean I don't like to vent though, as those of you who read my crap regularly will know. There are times when I really want to kick off, take it to them, but I know doing so I could quite possibly lose it, and I've experienced myself when I've lost my temper (proper lost it). That's what scared me, that's where my fear lies. The day I physically (at the time I weighed around 112 lbs) was physically able to lift a 336lb man (from his seated position sunk into the armchair he was sitting in) by the throat with just one hand, drag him into a kitchen and hold a bread knife to his throat (which I really did believe at the time I was going to use to slit him open) was the day I realised I had to find a different way to vent whatever I was feeling. That's why I would rather walk away. That's why I don't like confrontation. I'm scared alright, but not of what they could do to me. I'm scared of what I could do to them.

Occasionally it's because the person I may need to have something out with just wouldn't pay attention anyway. Take the friend I fell out with last year. He upset me, he insulted me, he treated me like a piece of shit, but had I confronted him about it, tried to talk to him about it, he would have ignored me, told me to sort it out, blamed it all on me (he is incapable of accepting responsibility for anything) and somehow it would have ended with me either losing it, or me apologising and I did not need to apologise for anything at that point (I'm the first person to hold my hands up and admit when I am wrong). That didn't mean I didn't need to vent though, and that's where writing my blogs comes in. I know at times the people I may be venting about will read it; I'll word it so it's not about them but do it in such a way they may see themselves in what I am saying. 99.9% of the time they will come to me, talk to me, never let on they have read it, but will in effect start a conversation where we will then end up getting whatever is bugging us out in the open (not the friend last year; he saw what I'd said, took offence and has never spoken to me since - my heart was broken - not). He finally saw himself through my eyes and he didn't like it. Not that he believed any of it was his fault (if the things I have been told he's saying about me are to believed (which I think they probably are) as I said, he never sees he's done anything wrong). 

Another example; I could kick off at my neighbours when they get back from holiday (I ranted about them last week) but I know enough other people will pull them up on it, and what will it solve if I do? It could end up making things worse. Yes, it was annoying. Yes, it was inconvenient, Yes, it pissed me off big time, but going and having a go at them is not going to solve anything. It's not as if they are doing it every week (kicking off could make it a weekly issue). It's a few nights a year; having a go could cause discomfort for other neighbours and hassle for us. That's a "walk away" from issue.

The vets last year (I mention them because they came up in conversation earlier). I did write a letter of complaint (only because I wanted to hopefully stop someone else from having to go through what I did) yet when they replied I didn't open the letter (from one, the other I ignored) because there was no need for a confrontation about it. I had my say, I didn't need to 'get-into-it' with them. There was no point; it woudn't solve anything it wasn't going to bring my dog back. It was a battle to walk away from.


Maybe, sometimes, I want that confrontation but am too afraid to take-it-to-them which is why I write about it in my blogs. Maybe it's just that I need to get it off my chest. Some people do drugs, drink or spend time with a councelor to deal with such things. I rant, I rave, I take to my blogs. That's just who I am. I've even been known to write an entry to specifically see if someone brings it to me, sharing it only with that one specific person and a couple of others. Cowardly? or ingenious? It can be quite entertaining when they turn up and hint at having read it, while pretending it's nothing to do with them. That's not cowardly, but it is slightly twisted :)

Coward? Maybe I am; regardless though, I am confortable with who I am. If someone else isn't, that's for them to deal with.


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