I had one of those 'weird' moments we all get in life, every-now-and-then this morning. It's timing was equally as weird.
Yesterday I was telling someone about how I've begun to stop believing in an afterlife; as the years have progressed I've become more-and-more skeptical about such a thing (that in itself is weird because I still (oddly) believe in some kind of fate)). I want to believe this isn't it, that we don't just get born, live (happily and healthily if we are lucky) then die. It all seems rather pointless if that is how it really does work, yet I just can't seem to bring msyelf to believe in such things right now, at this point in my life (I am in one of those 7 year cycles of life though, so that may have something to do with it - I'm coming to the end of one which could explain why my thoughts are changing)
I am only human (yes, really) and do go phases of believing, wanting to believe, not believing. This week I'm a non-believer - next week I may be a wannabe believer, although for the most part I have been more-and-more swaying to non for a really long time now. Today though, I'm in a quandry.
This morning, whilst working hard (sometimes I really do :) ) I decided I needed some music. I used to listen to music all the time - back when I had to travel every day for work I'd be in the car for at least 3 hours, the whole time with the radio or music of some kind playing. I also worked in businesses that would have radios on all day. It was only when I began working for myself that stopped. I no longer have a commute (it takes 7 minutes to walk from home to the shop) and as I don't have a license to play music in the shop (I absolutely refuse to pay for something when I am the one advertising either a radio station, or artist - they should pay me for advertising them) I spend my days in silence - sometimes. This is where the music law occasionally works in my favour. IF I am the only one in the building and nobody else can hear I can play music. I usually only do so if I am the one one in the office (yes, even though we are both owners of the business, if my business partner is here we cannot play music the other can hear without a license).Today, I was/am alone so I grabbed my phone, logged onto my amazon music account and hit the button for them to choose from their library what songs I should be listening to - first time I've ever used it; normally I just put my itunes music on shuffle, but as I get amazon music because I'm a prime member, I thought I'd give a try.
I'm really digressing today, aren't I?
The conversation I had with my friend yesterday - which started this whole post off - I was saying about how I no longer believe and he asked me "Why?" and I was able to answer.
Obviously, those of you who read my waffle regularly (you really shoudl seek help!! haha) will know, I've had a pretty rough couple of years, last year being the worst by a long shot though. I got through it by believing that there is an afterlife, that the spirits of my furbabies who were both taken from me last year will be running free over the so-called "Rainbow Bridge". I believed they were being loved and cuddled by my Dad, Best friend and Louis, all of whom I've been thinking about a lot more than usual at the moment; no idea why either. Of course, I think about them all the time, just now they have been in my thoughts an awful lot more than they would normally be. Because of this extra thinking, I began to realise there cannot be such a thing as the afterlife. My Dad wouldn't visit me because he knows I couldn't handle it (or at least I never thought I would have been able to - now, I think I possibly could) so I can understand him never popping by to say "Hi" although I would have thought he'd visit my Mum and brother (IF he still exists in spirit form). Louis and I were so close, he knew how I felt about such things, and there's no way he'd not have been able to stop himself from popping by every now-and-then. I've dreamed about him just twice in the 16 years he's been gone and never once even felt as though he is around. Then there's Donna. She was most definitely my sister-from-another-mister (as the kids say these days). We were best friends in every sense of the word. She believed in the afterlife and spirit world even more than I did. She made me a promise that she would come back and prove to me it is all real. I've never seen or heard from her. I don't even think I've dreamed about her (I've been told sometimes our lost loved ones visit us in dreams because it's easier). All of this was pushing me further and further away from being a dreamer. For obvious reasons.
Now, my furbabies. I can understand my cat never visiting; she'd settle for anyone who gives her some fuss, but my dog? No way; if there really was an afterlife, if her spirit really is living on, that dog would have come back. I know I dreamed of her just a few days after she died (she was with my Dad and the cat) but I think that was purely just my own mind showing me what I wanted to see to make me feel better about things. That dog though, would have done more than just visit in a dream. She would be back all the time, regardless of how much fun and fuss she might be getting on the other side. It is her more than any of the others which has made me into the non-believer I am today.
This though, is where my weirdness now comes in (yes, yes, I know, it's taken me forever to actually make my point). The music was on shuffle. Half of what was playing was complete and utter crap (I really do not like a lot of modern music). Then suddenly on came Nickelback (not a group I really listen to, not a group whose music I have ever bought - this could have been why it was played had I bought something of theirs before) and it was an acoustic version of How you remind me. The song played at Louis' funeral. I smiled to myself as I remembered him. As that finished, the next song was REO Speedwagon - Keep on loving you. Now, this got my attention, as it was the one song we would play to each other and sing along to at the top of our voices. It was almost enough to make me believe - almost. The real weirdness though was the very next song being The Hollies - The air that I breathe; this was my Dad's favourite song. I would have loved to leave it on longer to see if Donna's favourite appeared next (I may have been tempted back to beleiving if it had) but a customer came in, I had to switch off and it's not been back on since.
For now though, I am still a non-believer. Maybe when the 3 of them visit with the dog I might change my mind; maybe.