A weird thing happened to me today (ooh, actually 2 weird things happened - I'll get into the second later). The main one though is that I finally realised I am comfortable. Not just with the chair my fat ass is currently sitting on - although it really is very comfortable - but also with who I am. For the first time in my life, I know who I am, I know what I need to do going forward with my life, and I am completely at ease and happy with this knowledge. I am truly happy with me. It is the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced,
In the past I've always tried to be the person I thought I should be, not because I wanted to fit in (I've never and will never "fit in") but because I was brought up in a certain way, and because life was about being kind to others (it still is, that won't change - as such). This, though, meant that at times I was so busy putting the needs of others first, doing what they wanted, being who they said I should be, I completely lost who I really am. Today, I realised, I've got myself back.
The day started like any other; I was awake by 5.30, finally dragging myself out of bed about 6.30. I showered (didn't shave today) dressed, made my way downstairs for the first cup of tea of the day. I drank it, watched the news to see what's going on in the world (realised it's way too scary a thing to be watching that early with all that's going on) brushed my teeth and came to work.
Once at work I set about all my tasks - tallied the bank statement to my database, got the days orders ready, checked there no emails needing replying to, then checked all the security cameras from last night - that's where my other weird moment happened. I drank tea whilst doing this!! Then I unlocked the doors, put the plants out the front and went about my daily business. I changed a few settings on social media (I'm fed up with people thinking it's ok to send me crap or ask me to do something for them "now" when the social side of the business is not the main communication route to deal with the business - don't even get me started on people who want business bits and pieces sorting, contacting me on my private social pages!!).
Then, I heard from the sister of someone who used to be a close friend of mine. She was telling me how disappointed he was that I turned out to not be who he thought I was. How he was gutted at my behaviour towards him, saying that I had been cruel. This was when it really struck me. I finally stuck up for myself and was then branded cruel - all those years of towing the line, being the person they thought I should be, doing what they wanted when they wanted, watching what I said so I didn't offend, being careful of how much noise I made so I didn't disturb, going where they wanted to go so they didn't sulk, and by finally sticking up for myself I was cruel. I laughed when she said "he was so upset because he knew you better than anyone; he would often say how he knew you better than you knew yourself". Ummmm - Obviously not, eh? If he'd known me that well, my sticking up for myself wouldn't have been such a shock to his system. What he really meant was how well he knew the me he could control, but even the most reliable of things can eventually stop behaving the way you want them to. Your favourite car may get fed up with you driving it in a certain way, and having never let you down before, could easily just pop a coil somewhere causing you no end of hassles. Your favourite food outlet could get sick of you keep wanting "mates rates" because you go there so often, and finally give you a dodgy piece of chicken so you find someone else to try and get a deal from. In reality, he didn't know me at all. He knew only what I let him believe he knew.
We all do that, don't we? I sit here waffling away to whoever may read this crap - my last post got a phenomenal amount of views - and I share my thoughts, feelings, and life with you all. Some of you may think that because of this you know me, may think you know what kind of person I am. You, those of you who think such a way, literally haven't got a clue. I share only what I want to share, only what I need to share. The amount of people who have feigned surprise and shock when I've behaved in a way that is unexpected to them has been quite a few over the years. You see the thing is, eventually, every worm will turn if you poke it with a stick enough. I was part of several different worms, wriggling in different directions, and one-by-one each one of those has got fed up of the stick, has finally turned, and have all (just today) found their way back to join up so they can make one whole, giant worm again. How it should always have been.
The things which used to scare me, worry me, give me sleepless nights, no longer exist. The people who trampled over me, used me only for their own agenda (the ones who thought they "knew" me) have been eradicated from my life. I mean none of them any harm, will say "hello" to them if I pass them by in the street, hope they all find the happiness they were obviously lacking to be such bullies and oppressors to others, and I forgive each and everyone of them, for they are most definitely lacking in areas of their lives to behave in such a way; they deserve to be pitied, not scorned, but in terms of friendship they are dead to me as Donna (my best friend who died 6 years ago this month). The only difference is, I still miss her - every single day. I don't miss any of the people who have cut me off, or who I have cut from my life. Without them (when the last one cut me off because he didn't like something I had said) I was finally able to regrow the wings which had become so matted to the back they kept stabbing me in, and on this day, this very morning, those wings finally opened and shook themselves off, for the first time in over 40 years.
If just one person reading this finds the courage to pull themselves away from the bullies so intent on holding them back, I hope they experience that shaking of the wings; it is truly the best feeling in the world.
One of my biggest fears used to be that of the unknown; death, hauntings, all things creepy and paranormal. This morning my other weird thing was kind of (but not) just like one of those. At 4.13 this morning something triggered the motion detection camera in the workroom of the shop (I have yet to find what did so) and I saw myself staring at the back of someone on the screen. Rather than being scared (how the other me would have reacted) I found myself totally intrigued. Turns out it was the mannequin we have in the shop on a permanent basis, which I had moved yesterday when my Mum came to see me as she doesn't like it. However, it was there from 2pm yesterday afternoon, until I arrived at 7,30 this morning and that camera was triggered only the once. I've been over the footage with a fine tooth comb, all 2 minutes and 19 seconds of it, and I can see nothing that would have triggered the sensor. I can only sit and wonder now, what tomorrow might bring :)