It would appear my plan to start getting out and about each weekend, hiking through the glorious English countryside, will have to be on hold a little longer - not just because my dog is still poorly (we've been blessed to have her with us an extra 4 weeks to what we thought we would have, however, I do fear her time to leave us is getting closer by the minute - I am hoping, praying and keeping everything crossed I am wrong. Sadly, without the operation we will never know; I cannot afford to put her through the op in either way - financially and for her sake. I have had to accept she is "old" in the grand scheme of dog years, and am enjoying what time I have left with her. Even if I could find the money I don't think now I would put her through the operation for there are no guarantees she would survive in the first place, and as they still cannot tell us what is wrong, I have to take them at their word (which is they believe it is an incurable cancer) and put the needs, and well being of my dog, before my own - my heart breaks a little more every day at the thought of her leaving us at such an age (I know to the rest of the world she is an "old" dog, yet to me she is still very much a youngling) however, I have had to make the decision with her in mind and although it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, I know, deep down, I have made the right one. I did consider allowing her to have one more heart drain, however, all that will do is prolong the agony for us, and put her through more surgery, with no chance of the eventual outcome being any different to that which it is to be. It's weird because 9 weeks ago when I first took her to the vets, I was all gung ho and shouting from the rooftops "I'll do whatever I have to do to keep her alive". Now, I realise, it's not about me, it's not about what I want; it's about my dog, her health and her quality of life. While I don't have the money to pay for the op - I still don't have the money to pay for her vet's bills to date - I would have sold my car to pay for it, if I thought it would improve her life. I would have done all it took before I suddenly realised it was me I was thinking about, and as hard as it has been to come to the decision, as hard as it will be when I have to have her murdered (I still don't think I will be able to cope with that) I know it's what is best for her, and she is all that matters.
Of course, once the inevitable has happened, and I've cried for a few months (then a few more, then possibly a few more on top of that) I will miss not being out and about at the weekend, which is why I have decided I need to start making more of an effort to get myself hiking through our countryside. Of course, it would help to have a friend to hike with, but right now that's not going to happen (unless I can suddenly conjure one up) so begin with it will be my Mum, and I. She is getting on herself, so not able to walk as far as she used to, but slow-and-steady wins the race, and even if she can only manage an hour, that's a start for me. Not only will walking help me to get fit, it will also set me in good stead for when I do finally get over the pond and visit the National Parks I dream of visiting (you didn't honestly think I had given up on my dreams, did you? I may have had to alter them slightly, but I will never give up on them - I have to believe they will come true).
At the moment though, aside from the dog, I have had to put the walking on hold because I've really screwed up my left knee. It began playing up a while ago when I trip and landed on it (not surprising with my weight; I'm amazed it didn't shatter in to a million pieces having me crash down on it!!). Just as it was beginning to get better is when I slipped in the woods and twisted it as I hurled down the muddy hill. Since then it has been getting better; I was able to walk properly again, and although it stiffens up a bit after I've been sitting for a while, it didn't take long for it to get itself moving. Then came last week. We decided to have a change around in the shop, and do some decorating. This meant I was up and down ladders, many, many, many times each day. By the time Thursday came round my knee felt as though it was going to explode (the rest of my body also ached in places I didn't know it was possible to ache - the joys of getting older). Being sensible (sometimes I can be) I thought it best to not do anything other than my "normal" every day jobs on Friday. I was off at the weekend (only worked Saturday morning) so thought that would help me give it time to rest a bit.
All was going well. It ached a bit, but I could walk ok, and if I knelt down carefully, I was able to get onto the floor. Then, while at work, I wanted something from the back of the little shelving unit I have tucked under my desk, so I leaned over and ............ Crash, Bang, Thud. The chair I was sitting on slid out from under me, my right elbow cracked against the unit, my head banged on a free standing shelf I have next to me and my knee.. oh my poor knee.. well, that just took the brunt of it, for my leg twisted back on itself, meaning my knee got jerked about in a direction it's really not meant to be in. The pain ripped through it so hard it actually took my breath away.
Thankfully I can walk on it (just) but if I want to go upstairs I have to prepare myself, for I can't really bend it - going upstairs with a straight leg isn't as bad as coming back down again!! If I sit in one position for too long, I have to think about moving and plan how to do so, before I attempt it. Getting off my sofa at home is a massive issue for the cushions are so soft I sink into them. I can only imagine how useless I look as I try to prise myself from my seated position. Bending it when I am sitting at the desk is the most comfortable position, yet, oddly when I walk trying to bend it causes no end of pain (I've even had to take pain relief pills and try to never take pills unless I really have to). The decorating certainly won't be getting finished this week.
I know, being overweight, will not aid in it's recovery either, and am angry at myself for not sticking to Weight Watchers quite as good as I was to begin with (I've used the excuse that with everything going on it's been easier... blah, blah, blah.. all the "same old, same old" excuses most fat people use to justify the fact they have been crap at sticking to eating well) however, I know that my knee will heal, if I just look after it a bit better, and am sure in a week (or 2) I'll be back-to-normal (at least, I hope I will :) )