Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Plans Change

Sometimes our plans change - whether through our own fault, of someone else's or just "because" life is not 'set-in-stone'. There are no hard-and-fast rules. 

As some of you know (those who 'come here often' - you crazy people!!) and other's of you who are passing by for the first time won't, things have occurred in my life during the past 7 weeks, that any plans I may have had, have been well and truly blown-out-of-the-water. 

For years I kept a blog full of my own crap, then one afternoon a year or so ago, I got the idea to set up another, because I'd found a travel funding website and had set up an account. It's designed to help people who cannot afford to travel get help from wonderful strangers who may have a few pennies (or pounds) to spare. I was desperate to get out to the Mid West of America, and "road trip" my way around 7 states in just 17 days. There was (is) no way I could fund this totally by myself (although I work I am on less than minimum wage and am unable (not that I would if I could) to claim any kind of government benefits - the reason for this is because I set up (with a friend) a business during the most difficult of financial times - countrywide)). 

I was here almost every day, sharing stuff, trying to tempt someone to help me make it to my destination. I set up a couple of other blogs (I figured the more I can put myself out there, the more chance I have of some kind benefactor coming across me, who would want to help). In the year since it began I have been lucky enough to have 3 people make donations, totalling £115. This may not sound like anything to many of you, to me though, it means the world. Every donation makes a difference. 

For so long it is all I have I focused on (I have no life - can't afford one, so it gave me something to put my energy into). There was never any doubt in my mind I would achieve me target goal (still isn't). It takes just one person to share to their friends and one of those friends to see and before you know what's happening, things can go viral and "miracles can happen". I still believe in miracles. Every day, somewhere, a miracle happens. It doesn't have to be a massive, international life changing thing. Not everything is about making an impact. 

As I was saying above, those of you who follow my waffle regularly will already know the past 7 weeks have been the most fraught I've had to deal with in over 24 years. On Monday 18th September I took my dog to her vets as she was a bit under the weather. Since then she's been referred to a "specialist" has had 3 minor heart procedures, numerous scans (for which she has to be sedated each time). The costs involved are currently over £7000 and I'm being told now the "only hope" for her is a £5000 operation which could extend her life by 3/5 or 7 years if it is not being caused by cancer. It will provide only palliative care if is it and the only way to know if it is, is for her to have the op (I am wondering if the vets are trying to extract as much from me as is possible - I wrote an entry on them (the vets and how I think they are out for all they can get) the other day - you can find it by Clicking Here. On Monday 16th October she had a scan and I was told there was NO sign of cancer in her. Just 9 days later on the 25th October she had another and I was told she does have cancer (although they still cannot guarantee what is wrong with her unless she has this massive heart surgery. I made a decision based on what is best for my dog and am not going to put her through such major surgery without a guarantee. She is 10 years old, and it would more cruel to put her through it for her to have to deal with cancer after. It was the toughest decision I have ever had to make, and I am hoping (praying, too) that she passes away peacefully in her sleep, for I have no idea how I will ever be able to stand there and watch a vet murder her for me. Life, as I have learned on more-than-one-occasion is not that kind.

My Mum, a lovely little 72 year old lady who has had the shittiest of lives (she is nothing like me; I've never heard her say a bad word against anyone, and I'l slag off anyone who has pissed me off, or put me down in any way) has been treated badly by pretty much everyone she's ever come into contact with. I loved my Dad and I know he loved her, but he was a very selfish man and not the best husband in the world - he never hurt her in any way, however, she did have to live her life around him. He also left her penniless when he died for he never thought he would die so young and was uninsured. She had to remortgage the house to pay for his funeral bills (on top of everything else). Her own childhood was horrendous (my Nan was evil - with a capital E). 

While I have been at work during the day, Mum has been with the dog. The dog has given her a reason to get out of the house each day. The dog is always there, following her around, sitting on the sofa with her, showering her with sloppy doggy kisses. They are together 24/7 so while I am going to struggle not having the dog around when it happens, my poor little Mum is going to feel the effects 10 times more than I will, and my heart is already broken just thinking about it. She (my Mum) is now the reason for my change of plans (started by the dog being so sick).

I still have to find the money to pay for the dog (I can't even tell you the arguments I am having with her insurance company - 10 years I've been with them, paying on the day I get each yearly invoice, never having made a claim before, never questioning when it goes up - 35% this year alone) but once sorted I will want to get back to thinking about travelling (I won't have a dog to keep me at home). This is where the change comes in. I realised it's not about me any more; it has to be about my Mum. 

She discovered a few years ago her father was an American man, and through the power of the internet, we have managed to track down family for her (something she's never had). The travel fundraising is no longer about me living out the dream, travelling through the Mid West; now it is about raising the money to send my Mum over to the East Coast, so she can finally meet the family she has always dreamed of - Lord knows, if anyone deserves a break and chance to travel, it's my Mum. I know she'd much rather have the dog around, but life doesn't ask us what we want. We have to learn to accept and adapt. 

So yes, the plans have changed, but I believe they will be changing for the better. It's no longer "all-about-me". Now, it's "All-about-my-Mum".

Of course, we are both hoping and praying we get to enjoy the dog for a lot longer; she is, and always will be our main priority.

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