All cried out

Just when I thought it wasn't possible to cry any more than I have over the past 4 weeks, so I found myself in floods again this morning, and I am sure in the weeks to come I will find myself spontaneously spouting water from my eyes again. That's correct, I am human, and I have feelings and I am not afraid to cry - I don't like crying, in fact I was brought up in a house where crying was seen as a "sign-of-weakness" so when I do cry I end up frustrated at myself for being so "weak" however, I just can't stop. 

My dog is alive still - I have no idea for how much longer though, and that is the cause of my tears. She went back to the specialist yesterday, had more fluid drained from her heart; I've been told if it builds up again then surgery would be the best option (with a greater than 99% success rate that it will cure the issues and give her another 2, 3, 5 or even 7 years). I have no problem letting her have the surgery if that's the case, however, I may have to terminate her life (harsh words for a harsh reality) because I just don't have the money to pay for such an operation. I literally have no idea how I will live with myself if I have to have her put-to-sleep because I can't afford to pay to have her treated, because the op would see her back to full health, so I would in effect be murdering a perfectly 'healthy dog'. I have to hope and pray it doesn't come to that, but I've learned in my lifetime that no amount of praying works, no matter how much I believe it will at the time. This world proves on a daily basis how evil it is (I always believed good overcame evil - I was wrong about that too) so as much as I am hoping and praying it doesn't happen, I also fear the 'inevitable'.

I do have a small amount left on her insurance which I can put in a claim for but they are already quibbling paying for what she's had done thus far, and it wouldn't be enough anyway, so I have to somehow try and raise £7000 in the next few weeks or pay someone to murder my dog. 

I was brought up by amazing parents, who taught me that you have to earn respect, that you have to "abide by the rules" that you always display manners, and that you always make sure you have plans in place should the worst arise. They lived their lives that way (ish) I've always lived my life that way. We have done everything "Right" yet have always been shit on from great heights, while watching those around us who have never done a days work in their lives, who have taken as much as they can get, who have screwed over the system, who have conned and stolen their way through life, get away with everything. Those people would never find themselves in the situation I am in because life has treated them amazingly, whilst they have trampled over people and taken advantage at every single twist and turn. Maybe it is true - "God helps those who help themselves". Maybe that's why the scum of this earth get away with everything, get treated so much better, never have to find themselves in the situation I am in (my goodness I am so aware that I have it 1000 times better than many people - do not, for one second, think that I don't).

Anyway; I am here, now, wondering what life holds for me, wondering what the meaning of it all is, and wondering whether I should get to the doctors now for some pills to block out the pain, because if I have to have her murdered my brain will never be able to cope with such a thing. My only other option is a "Crowd Funding Page". I have set one up in the hope that someone, somewhere, may love their dog as much as I love mine and be able to help. I don't even want it as a donation - I am willing to pay back every single penny (it may just take me a few years to do so). 

If you can help, then please Click HERE. You could just change my mind about whether angels exist or not. 

The photo's below are copies of the Specialists Invoices - so far; there is also one from my own vets I've not included totalling £580. As you can see, I have already paid the "excess charge".