You can't fix "stupid"

*Caution - please be advised, the following writing does contain strong language*

You can't fix stupid!

I often hear this phrase bandied about - on the internet, in conversation with people - but never really knew what was meant by it. I (usually) also hate people being called "stupid". It's one of those words that I find quite derogatory, for people aren't 'stupid' per se, they just often don't understand something in the same way as other's do.

However, that has all changed; I get it now, and it really can't be fixed.

This blog, and my other blog, are public, meaning anyone (of those 7.5 billion people I talked about the other day) can find it. Literally anyone. My work colleagues (past and present), my Mum, Brother, friend's, nieces, nephew, their friends, my post lady, the guy who delivers to me on a regular basis, the guys who own the shop next door, my doctor, dentist, lovers (past and future) even my car mechanic; people I admire, love, respect, fear, despise - anyone, anywhere, can read it - you get my drift? The only man I've ever loved sitting on his deck in the Island paradise he calls home; the ex in the council house he shares with his wife and kids. The friend I no longer speak to, the friends I have yet to make. The celebrity I may have had a crush on, the lead singer of my favourite band - they can all find either blog and read the crap I've written (if they're really that bored!! :) ).

The only people who can't find it are those who don't have the internet, which is why it surprises me there are people who think that reading something I've written, can then be used against me, to embarrass or shame me.

If I was concerned about such things, I would write under a pseudonym (instead, I use my name, my real name, the one I was given upon birth - Sarah Bradbury - that's my name, full name, the only name I have ever had). I'd make sure the blog was private, so that anyone wanting to read it would need to be given a password to access it. I'd make sure the social media pages linked to it were private. It would be visible to only the people I wanted it to be visible to. Instead, it - and everything else - is public; not only that, I also deliberately share it all over the internet, wherever I can, hoping it will get shared by others, far and wide, because the more it's shared, the more people will come across it. The more who come across it, the more chance I stand of getting the help I've put myself out there for, and asked for. In fact I wish every single person who comes across it (even if they never stop to read anything) would share it, and that their friends would share it. I'd like everyone, in every country (big and small) to come across it - even the trolls (they don't get out much and need people like me for their entertainment). 

So, let me tell you now. There is nothing in any of my entries that can be used to shame and/or embarrass me. I gave up on such things a long time ago, and believe me when I tell you that I have encountered many a troll hiding under their bridges since I started this blogging stuff, and you have a long way to go before you could even consider stepping on their bridge, let alone join them under one. I'm more saddened than anything, to discover someone I was beginning to warm to and believe might be a decent member of the human race, obviously thinks so little of me, that they have seen fit to go and tell other people about the things I am writing, to try and make me (somehow) look like a sad sack among my peers.

Dear Person doing it (you know exactly who you are) - I don't give a "Flying fuck". If your opinion of me (or anyone else's for that matter) concerned me in any way, shape or form, I'd never sit and share the crap I share on my blogs. I'd never put myself out there for the world to view me, or judge me (people who know me should not be interested in doing such things, unless of course they are absolute arses, and people who don't know me really have no right to make a judgemental assumption, however, we live in a world where people who should know better, will still judge, and by putting myself out there like I do, I am allowing them to make their judgement.!!). If you think my putting myself out there, asking people for help to cover vet bills (and/or to make a dream holiday a reality) is a bad thing and something I should be ashamed of, then you are an arse. Surely it's also better I swallow my pride and ask for help for my dog, than leave her to die a horrible, painful death, or just abandon her altogether. The funniest thing about you doing it though, is that while trying to belittle me, you actually end up making yourself look like a fool, and those very people you want to laugh at me behind my back, are in fact, laughing at you, behind yours.

If I was concerned in any way about looking stupid, or being viewed as some kind of sad case, you can rest assured I would not be comfortable sharing photo's, like the one below, for the world to see. I am going to be dead for way too long to give a shit about how you, or anyone else, views me.

You are right though; I, like you, am a wearer of many faces (each and everyone of us is) however, not one of my faces has ever gone out to deliberately trash someone. Even after everything Roger did, and his behaviour towards me, I've never once set out to deliberately diss him. For ages I didn't even use his name when discussing what had happened. Same as Annette; I have enough on both of them to make them look extremely pathetic, ridiculous and (in the word of today) "stupid" but I would never do that to someone. Aside from being a mean thing to do, it solves nothing and only serves to make me look extremely petty. So yes, I have faces; the one my customers see, the one my family see, the one my acquaintances see, and the one I have only ever allowed one other person to see (the one I view each time I look in the mirror). Some of those faces do moan about people - they belong to a human, after all - yet none of them has ever set out to deliberately cause harm, distress or upset to another, because deep down, they all hold a massive piece of me behind them; I cross-over into each and every one. Business face, friend face, family face, acquaintance face and real face, are all ME, just in slightly different guises. Each set of faces will talk to people slightly different to the others, will share different things with others, yet they still only share what the true face allows. I let people in so far, but there are limits to them all. In fact, if my memory serves me correctly, it was you who said I "wasn't the person" you thought I was. That's because you have only been allowed to see one of those faces. When you then saw what I share on the internet, you viewed me differently. You also believed me to be naive, weak even, which is probably why you were more shocked to discover I'm not. I was warned about you, told not to trust you, yet I chose to give you the benefit-of-doubt and take you at face value; that was silly of me, however, those warnings did give me cause for suspicion at times which is why you were only ever shown what I was happy to share, and why the "internet me" obviously came as such a shock to you. I may not be the sharpest pencil in the case, but I'm also not the fool people believe me to be. 

As Robbie Williams says (I know, a man I don't like and I am quoting him) in the Take That song "Happy Now" - "Your opinion is irrelevant" and it totally is. In fact the only person you are making look bad, is yourself. I'm not sure if it's bitterness or jealousy which makes you do such a thing, or if you are just a complete fucking arsehole, but rather than run around town talking about me to so many different people, take a step back, look at what you've read, and remember "I don't give a Flying Fuck what you, or anyone else, thinks". I'd offer to let you 'kiss my arse' however, you are not worthy of such a privilege.

I am annoyed; not that you've done it, that I've allowed it to bug me, to the point I've wasted a whole blog entry on you. That annoys me. I should just ignore it, let it pass by. Most trolls - and your behaviour is very "Troll like" - get their kicks from being noticed, regardless of whether they are seen in a good or bad way, and you are just like that. While your opinion is most definitely irrelevant, your behaviour towards me has riled me, and when something gets me riled, I need to get it off my chest. As you seem to enjoy dissecting my blog entries, it seemed the most logical way to let you know, that I know. It's also a good way for me to let anyone else out there, who may come across it, who may be thinking about running around dissing me, or who may contact me directly (a lot of the trolls I encounter do enjoy clicking the "Contact Me" button) know hat it doesn't matter what they think of me. That they cannot make me hang my head in shame, and if someone who is being bullied, or treated in the same way as I have been, comes across this, I hope they leave my page feeling empowered to stamp on those who would try to make them feel bad. While some things should be kept private, other's should most definitely be shared. This experience, and how I feel about it, need to be shared. We should be looking out for each other in this world, not running around behind each other's back, trying to bring another person down. The world is unstable enough as it is, without the rest of us going out of our way to hurt, diss, or put-down one of our fellow human beings. I genuinely feel sorry for you, pity you, for to behave in such a way you must have some pretty difficult issues you're dealing with. There are people out there who can help you, are trained to deal with such things. Please, do yourself a favour, go and find one, talk to them. I'm sure holding on to so much jealousy is not good for you. If you're not willing to find someone to talk to, then try a blog. They are easy to set up and I find it extremely cathartic. 

For anyone coming across me for the first time (welcome :) ) I also need to apologise for using so much bold text; when dealing with "Stupid" it's sometimes the only way to get a point across, although I'm sure "stupid" still won't actually get it. As the wonderful Forrest Gump says "Stupid is as stupid does" and as the title of this entry says "You can't fix stupid".

You really can't.