Just when I thought I couldn't cry any more this week, so it struck me that I may not actually be able to afford to pay for any further treatment my dog may need, at which point my only option would be to have her put-to-sleep. I don't get how I could do such a thing to an animal that is not at 'death's door'. Of course, if the vets were to tell me she is suffering then it would be a no-brainer, but to look at her today, you'd never know she's been through all she has this week. Aside from sounding a bit chesty, she's behaving exactly as she always has done. Unless you have spent the time with us this week, knowing how she was on Monday and what she has been through, you would look at her and think to yourself "what a cracking little bundle of love".
I will do everything I possibly can to keep her with us - I could not euthanise a dog just for the sake-of-it but last night I cried so hard, thinking about how I may not get a choice. She's been insured since the day I had her, the premier level (when I took her on I did so knowing she would only ever receive the very best care that I could provide for her) however, what if this now isn't enough? I don't have any money. I could sell my car (although I still owe my uncle what it's worth as he loaned me the money to buy it 3 years ago - I'm sure he would understand, and I would continue to pay him back so it wouldn't be an inconvenience to him in any way). That would give me enough pay for the treatment she's just had (that should be covered under the insurance though). Aside from that I have nothing to sell. I have just cancelled my phone contract and will sell the phone I currently use (I can go back to PAYG and have an old, old phone, that just about works still) so that will save me a few pounds each year. I think I might have to cancel my TV contract (I only have the basic package anyway, but even that's not cheap - going back to just 4 channels would be extremely hard, however, I'll do whatever I have to do). If I seriously thought I could sell myself, I honestly would do, if it meant I could keep my dog alive.
What a predicament to be in. All my life I've tried to do the "right thing". My parents taught me right-from-wrong, I've never been out of work and claimed any kind of benefit - from anyone. I've worked hard, tried to never let anyone down; I've done everything in life as it should be done, and yet it never seems to be good enough. Don't get me wrong; I know there are millions of people out there who have just 1% of what I have, people who have lost everything and will never be granted with the opportunites I have. I know that right now, there are people in this world having to have their beloved animals put-to-sleep because unlike me they literally don't have anything to sell that might help them keep their animal with them a bit longer. This world is wicked and cruel, yet it seems the actual wicked-and-cruel people who live in it are the one's who benefit. How does that ever seem fair? The whole "Good things happen to good people" saying, is total and utter bullshit. Right now I have several friends who have the kindest hearts of anyone I've ever met, and they are being dumped on from a great height, whilst those who have never shown kindness to anyone, in any form, have it all.
They say "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger". That too is total and utter bullshit, probably defined by someone who has it all in the first place. My own Grandfather is sitting on thousands, which should have technically come to my Mum when my Nan died. He knows exactly what is going on, yet sits there telling us he's only earning a small amount of interest on his savings right now. What I wouldn't give to be him right now.
Mum said she'd sell her house and move to Wales if that's what it takes to be able to afford the bills for the dog. Bless her; not that it would be such a bad thing. It's a beautiful country and she could actually buy a bigger property than she has, with more land, and still have enough left over from the sale of her's to live a very comfortable retirement. I'm just not sure I could find a job there, and it would mean having to pay back the money borrowed to start the shop, so I'd be even worse off than I am now - if that is even possible. I couldn't let her do it anyway; I'd rather the vets take me to court for the money, than let my Mum sell her home. Her and my Dad bought it new, they are the only family to ever live in it. It was the money Mum had from an insurance after an accident which nearly killed her, left her with scars all over her body (she still has glass dotted about her person) which paid the deposit for the house. When my Dad died, he wasn't insured and had been unable to work for 18 months (they received no help from anyone, yet had neither of them had ever spent a day out of work and had/have always paid their taxes) so she had to remortgage to cover the payments they were behind on, and to pay for my Dad's funeral (which was the most basic we could possibly make it). She worked long, hard hours, right up until the time the company she worked for got rid of her, claiming her to be "natural wastage". There was no redundancy, no pension (she'd never been able to afford to pay into one). She found herself with nothing, except the roof over her head (far more than a lot of people have, I know). She's worked so hard to hold onto the house, to ask her to sell it to give my dog a few more years would be wrong, however, I don't think she would ever be able to live with herself if we had the dog put-to-sleep because we couldn't afford not to.
I am still trying to hold on to hope - hope that the dog will be ok, or that she won't need any more expensive treatments, yet, I live in a world where I know that no amount of hope or prayers can help. All this world really comes down to is how much cold, hard, cash you have. I do though, still believe that "miracles can happen" so maybe, just maybe, we'll have that miracle happen to us.
Someone said to me this morning "Is it really worth it? She's had a good life" before adding "if it was our dog I'd just have her put-to-sleep". This from a man who would not even have to worry about finding the funds - they don't even bother with insurance as they have enough to cover any bills they may be landed with. I think this just goes to prove my point about how the kinder people of this world, always seem to be the ones who suffer.
I have set up an official fundraising page; if you would like to help at all, please Click Here. I cannot explain to you how much your help would be appreciated.
One thing I am going to do is look into whether it would be possible to set up some kind of charity to help other people in a situation like me. We do have an animal vets (PDSA) who will provide treatment for the animals of those on benefits (again, it doesn't pay in this country to try to earn your own money) and I believe if my Mum was to get a pet she could register with them and receive a small discount on any treatment her animal would need because she is a pensioner, but what about the people like me? The one's who have worked hard their whole lives, yet find themselves in the position where they cannot afford to pay the costs? I'm not sure it is something which could be organised, and less so whether it could be managed, however, I will look into it. I have nothing to lose by it.