Thursday, 3 August 2017

A weak moment

Cor blimey, did I almost have a 'weak' moment yesterday afternoon, or what?.

I almost messaged an old 'friend' to see if she fancied a day out. Then I remembered what a back-stabbing, two-faced, lying bitch she is, so didn't bother. 😂😂😂

It's a shame really, because when we were out-and-about we really did used to laugh a lot. I considered her to be one of my closest friends, in fact she was on her to being on a par with my best friend. People warned me she wasn't as nice as she pretended to be; I really do need to start listening to people. Don't get me wrong, I had some really great nights/days out with her and I think that's why I came so close to sending her a message. I miss having someone I can go and do all the crazy stuff with.

Now, don't go feeling all sorry for me. I have friends, a lot of friends, they just all happen to be married and their wives aren't keen on them spending time alone with me - crazy, I know, because they all know me, know what I'm like and know their husbands are perfectly safe to be around me. That's why it was great having her around. She was single too so neither of us had to think about anyone else when making plans for our days/nights. Not that being in a relationship ever stopped me in the past; I just had to make sure my exes had not made any plans for us, before making my own.

It's also hard for me to make friends. Having been bullied the way I was as a child (and an adult but that started in childhood) I find it hard to let myself truly be who I am, or get close to anyone (just-in-case) so when I let someone in my life, I do so because I trust them. To then be stabbed in the back by them really pisses me off; not because they've done it, because I've been too much of a tit to see what kind of person they really are. It's only when the friendship ends that I sit back and go "how the fuck did you not see the signs, Sarah?" However, all that aside, I've had some really funny times with these people, so I guess all has not been lost, in the grand scheme of things.

My trouble is, although I am happy to be a loner (I really do like my own company) sometimes I just need to get away from the shop, home, the people I see day-in-day-out and go somewhere I've not been before (or down to Lulworth - I always have time to go there). I can do this alone but it's not quite the same. It's nice to have a someone to go visit these places with. I have my photographer friend (although I think he may be on the verge of a new relationship so I won't see him for a while - last time he was all loved up I saw him once in 2 years). Even when he's single though it's not the same. He's a very set-in-his-ways kind of guy, he has the shortest fuse of anyone I know; if that fuse gets lit whilst you are with him then it's 'game over' and after a few hours in each other's company we do rub each other up the wrong way - by that, I mean he gets annoyed with me (or someone/something else) and then ends up pissing me off to the point I say something, which he then throws back at me as if it's all my fault. While we like a lot of the same things (scenery and such) we also like a lot of different things. In Wales I wanted to take some hikes, climb some hills; he is unable to do that. Partly because he had 3 bouts of pneumonia in 2 years, also because he is massively over-weight (as am I and sometimes I do struggle a wee bit if we're walking too fast (uphill) but I don't let it stop me and can keep up a pretty sensible pace - I still walk around the 4mph mark).

I do find it odd, being the age I am, not having such a great 'friend pool' to dip into. As a younger person there was no end of people I could call on. Some moved away so that kind of put a stop to things, other's got into relationships and made their husbands/wives their main priority (I kind of get that in a way, yet not at the same time) and then the others, the ones who really mattered, died - most inconsiderate of them. Because of the hours I work and due to not having a place of my own to invite people round for dinner, I have become a bit of a recluse so I'm as much to blame as anyone else. Most days, though, I'm happy with the way things are, it's just the odd 'moment' when I think it would be nice to have another good friend (we can never have too many).

I hear you; several of you telling me to get myself a man instead, then I'll have someone there all the time. You people really don't get me at all, do you? Whilst having someone to share life with in that way, I am too selfish to want to spend my time pandering to a man, his needs, and his feelings. Find me one on a part-time basis, or one who is happy to share a home with me, while accepting that I won't always be there with him, and I'll happily get myself a man instead. Until then, a male partner is out of the equation! 😍😍

I guess I'm just going to have to find a local group of some kind to join; that way I may find a kindred spirit (or 2) and be able to get out and about now and again. It's either that or I'm stuck taking the kids with me and they cost me a small fortune - a local group it is! :)

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