Those of you who follow my ramblings will know that I've been having a tough time on an emotional level in recent months; I think after everything I am finally grieving for not just my best friend, but for Louis also - he died 15 years ago so to only just be dealing with it appears as a very odd thing to me. I know they say there is no time limit and I do think I just shut down from it all at the time. Even so, I still thought I'd moved on and dealt with it. I now know all I did was throw myself into other things - so many things - that I've not really achieved anything. I've gone from one unfinished project to another, mindlessly wandering through life without actually getting anywhere.
Yes, I have the shop (for now) and that has been a true blessing (also a curse too). It's helped me to focus on something other than myself, it's given me an outlet to channel my energy into. However, in recent months with it being so quiet it's also given me a lot of time to think. The breakdown of major friendships, the shop being quiet, my cat being poorly (and subsequently dying) and people who are meant to be friends stitching me up with money, spouting such nasty lies, treating me like an inconvenience, or only contacting me when they want something have all attitributed to the position I find myself in right now; they've all contributed to who I find myself being right now too. What they've also done is mask how I am (and have been) really feeling. The menopause (how I would not wish this on anyone) is also playing havoc with my emotions; things I'd normally brush under the carpet (if I wasn't ready to deal with them) are having to be dealt with in the 'here and now' so that I don't end up rocking myself in a corner as a blubbering mess. If I'm honest I think a wholelife time of incidents has lead me to the point I am at, the situation I find myself in. I guess at some point all the anger, hurt, pain and abuse had to surface - it's chosen now to do so. By the same token though, I have never felt more empowered in my life than I do right now. I've finally started to stand up for myself, am not taking crap from people, am speaking up when I don't agree with something, and am refusing to do things I don't wish to do. Every cloud and all that.
Speaking of clouds (I'm not even going to mention the weather - such a quintessentially English thing to discuss - this I know :) ). I'm talking of the metaphorical clouds, the ones which part when the doom and gloom surrounding you lifts, exposing gorgeous clear blue skies (in my metaphorical world those blue skies are accompanied by a lush, hard frost on the ground and not stupid tropical summer temperatures). If, when we die, we really do get to sit on clouds and watch what is going on around us - which I hope we do - then I would like to every now and again jump off mine and pay a visit to a loved one. That is what I believe has happened to me this week.
With all that was going on with my cat I got angry; really angry - it's easy to feel angrier than sad. I was angry that the very people I am always there for when things go wrong, were nowhere to be seen when I was going through such a rough time. I've made myself always available to people, I've messaged people just to check in on them from time-to-time when I know they've been having a hard time. I had nobody - except a lovely lady I've known over 10 years through the power of facebook. A virtual friend as such; thank goodness for her though for my "real friends" were nowhere to be seen. I wanted to know where the people I have loved, who are meant to have loved me, were when I needed them the most. I gave up on believing in a spirit world, I lost faith that my Dad was out there somewhere looking after me (even after my brother said maybe he wasn't allowed to help me - anyone who knew my Dad would knew that nothing would stop him when it came to me so I have been feeling a little let down by him and told him so too in no uncertain terms). Then on Tuesday of this week (or was it Monday/Wednesday? - I've completely lost all track of days right now; bank holidays do it to me every time) I had a dream about Louis (another one on my hit list who I felt should have been there for me - I was always there for him when he was alive!!). In it he wasn't really with me as such, in fact I was having lunch with someone else (I've no idea who) and he was sat at another table opposite with someone else. I knew he was dead though which is weird. I also knew that even though he was so close I wasn't allowed to speak to him, or him to me, yet somehow later he managed to get close enough to kiss me - not a big passionate snog type kiss; a gentle, kind, I love you kind of kiss before he walked away. I have no doubt it was really all a part of my imagination (I'm still doubting everything) but it has definitely made me feel better and that can never be a bad thing. It's only the 2nd time in the 15 years since he died that I've dreamt about him; odd that he arrived at a time when I was so vulnerable, although not at the same time for I have been thinking about him a lot recently so I know it was really all in my mind. That doesn't stop me from feeling so much better about things though. :) The only real downside to it was realising just how alone I am. I have nobody in my life now to share things with. I have lots of people in my life (a few friends/aquaintances) yet I have never felt more alone.
His being in my dream did made me think about other men that have been in my life; how they have all been really quite good looking and very popular with the ladies, aside from one (who was fuglier than most fuglies - I got with him because he made me laugh and because the good looking guys had all turned out to be arses (sadly the fugly was one of the worst of them all)) He was still very popular though - not sure how. I've been so down on myself about how I look and the kind of person I am. I've spent the past 20 years telling myself I am not worthy of a decent man, that I don't deserve anything other than those which do nothing to excite me. As a result of this I have spent my time pretty much single - Louis came into my life 22 years ago, leaving 15 having been the best of them all; not just in personality but looks as well (he really was an exceptionally good looking man). It struck me while thinking (dreaming) about him that he chose me. Of all the women he could have had (and he really could have had any woman) he had chosen me. I then thought back over the previous men in my life. Aside from one who I am not afraid to admit I flirted shamelessly with and pulled out all the stops to get him to want me (they worked too!!!) every guy that has ever been a part of my life has chosen me. Even the one I flirted with could have said "No". When I was younger if I wanted a guy, I got him. There was only ever one exception and that's because he was gay - my gaydar wasn't so good back in the day. The boost it has given my confidence this week to think about that I cannot put into words. There I've been all this time hating on myself when in fact I should have been walking 10 feet tall - maybe one day in the future I will find myself doing such a thing.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that for someone who has claimed to be on a positivity trail the past few years, the old "negative nelly" was still lurking when in fact she should have been dead and buried long ago. I've disliked myself for so long I forgot that there are things about me that people do like - not that many or I wouldn't be so alone but I definitely do have some redeeming features!! . Sadly being around so many nasty people who I've allowed to drag me down, make me feel as though I am (and mean) nothing was not a good thing; now I'm almost on the other side of the dark woods I've been occupying. There is still a lot of things about me I don't like but I know now I can work on the things I do and everything else should then fall into place. I just needed to dream about a dead lover to be reminded of what I once was to get back to being who I really am. Maybe the new me might even find someone who wants to spend time with me. Wouldn't that be something? :)