I finally think I may have actually lost the plot. I sent a message yesterday to somebody I despise. Not because I was having a go at them, not even because I wanted to talk to them, but because I was feeling so low, so down and so bloody lonely and they know me better than I know myself. I vowed I would never have anything to do with them ever again but in a moment of pure madness I just needed to make contact with someone that is still alive, who actually gets me. Thankfully the person hasn't replied (I'm not sure what I would have done if they had). I'm sure it gave them a real ego boost and that's fine because in that moment and at that time I did what felt right for me. Would I have spoken to them if they'd replied? Yes, and I'd have been polite about it too - I was the one who made contact after all. I've heard people say before that in a random moment they've reached out to people they no longer wish to have contact with and I always thought them weird. Why would you want to contact someone you don't like? Then, yesterday, it all made sense to me. There are so few people in this world who "get me". In fact these days aside from the person I contacted there is nobody alive who 'get's me' and I just needed to feel like me for a short while. I needed to be around (in a virtual sense, I do not wish to be around this person in a physical sense) someone who understands me and knows who I really am. This person told me the last time we spent any time with each other that no matter what happens we will always have a connection to each other; I told them they were being a fool and to fuck off!! Turns out that maybe they were right (and I hate to admit that). Or maybe it's just because I am feeling so vulnerable as I am right now I wanted to reassure myself that no matter how bad some of my friends may be behaving to me at this moment in time, there are people out there in the world who have treated me worse. Yes, that's more the case but at least the person I contacted is real. They've never really pretended to be anything other than what they are. I tried to believe they were better but the reality is they weren't and nor will they ever be; I like that, I need that right now. Just because I don't like them (and I really do not have any good feelings towards them at all) doesn't mean they're not what I need right now. Unless you are me then you'll never understand why I would contact them and I know if I was to tell anyone who knows me that I have they would give me so much abuse for it but it's not about them; it's about me and what anyone else thinks of me is for them to deal with. I said my life now is all about what I want and doing what's right for me and this person at the time I sent the message was right. As I've said they never replied and I'm great with that . The moment passed by quite quickly. I never bothered to check if they had read the message either; that kind of rejection is not what I need in life at the mo. Contacting them though did have a positive impact on my life for it's made me take a really good look at myself, at who I have become and I realised that I really do not like myself.
I tell myself all the time I am happy with who I am (for the most part - of course happiness is not something which is following me around at this point in my life, but I know it will return). I tell myself it doesn't matter what other's think of me (on that score it's true, I don't give a shit what someone may think of me these days) but I also don't want people to judge me so I lie to myself when I say I don't care because in a way I do; that however, hasn't stopped me from letting myself go and that's what I don't like about myself. I've never cared what I look like nor will I ever. If I want to wear leggings with holes in, a long baggy jumper and have my socks over the top of the leggings bottoms then I will do. I'm comfortable and that's what matters. If I brush my hair in the morning and it's sticking out all over the place by the time I get to work then so-be-it. These things do not concern me and have no impact on my life. If someone doesn't like how I look that is their issue to deal with, not mine. Having said that I do not like the shell I am living in. I know why I allowed myself to get so fat, I know how to alter the shape of my body, I just don't get why I seem unable to do so? The only reason I can think of is that I really do not like myself. There can be no other explanation for such behaviour towards myself. It's as if I hit a "self destruct" button and I have no idea why I would have done such a thing for I did it at an incredibly early age. In fact as far back as I can remember I always felt as if I wasn't good enough. I think that's why I always set my sights so low. Not that my parents ever made me feel that way. To them I was perfect in every way. I guess it's something that is inbuilt in us; we either believe we are great and destined for greatness, or we think we are not. Every time I got something I thought was out of my reach I felt as though I didn't really deserve it so would do all I could to try and push it away. I did the same with relationships. I had some pretty good ones in my time but for some reason did all I could to push them away; maybe I was testing them to see if they would make the grade (in which case I was right to do so for they failed!!!) or maybe I just didn't think I was worthy of them so pushed as hard as I could until they could take no more. Then I ended up with the users and abusers, and ended up believing they were all I was worthy of. It was/is a viscous cycle I'm not even sure how it began or how to end it.
I'm not making any sense at all, am I? I'm not making any to myself either so you're not alone if you've not got a clue when I'm on about. I can't wait until this sadness lifts.
I had another sobbing session when I got home last night. I'd seen on our home security camera my Mum shifting stuff from the area we have decided will be the cat's final resting place so put 2 and 2 together and deduced the cat had finally made her way to the 'rainbow bridge'. I held it together at work all afternoon, doing all I could to stop myself from breaking down. Driving home I took deep breaths, kept telling myself it was for the best. By the time I'd got through the gate and seen the area clear I could hold it in no longer and was breaking my heart by the time I got inside the house, only to find the cat wandering down the hallway towards me. This then made me cry even more; partly because I was relieved to find her still alive, but partly because I know she is on her last legs and I hate the thought she may get to the stage where she is suffering - as yes, she's still not showing any signs of being in pain. Still concerned about her not eating I mixed up some of her favourite foods and popped it into a syringe and managed (without having to use force) to get her to eat roughly 5 teaspoons of food. I can't tell you how happy this made me feel, even more so when later in the evening she jumped up, wrapped herself round my neck and proceeded to purr in my ear - something she's not done for a few days. It was as if I had my smelly arse back. I am aware it's a false fallacy and it is still just a matter of time and in one way it's a bad thing for it's just dragging out my suffering (the cat's not suffering in any way but I certainly am) but to see her looking so perky was a great moment for me and gave me a small feeling of hope. This morning when I went into her room - yes, she has her own room, and as soon as I opened the door she was off her bed trotting towards me where she meowed at me, charged off downstairs, had a drink and jumped up for something to eat. She's still not happy about eating so I popped some more into the syringe for her and she opened her mouth almost as if she was waiting for me to give it to her. She chowed down on it quite happy. This then sent me to work happy, although there is a big part of me that is trying not to let myself get carried away that it means she'll be here a long while yet. The worst thing is knowing there is a Thursday 11th this week - that to me is like a Friday 13th to some people - so I'm dreading that day but will try to think as positive as I can. Maybe the "curse" (not that I believe in curses) could be broken this week. Wouldn't it be great if it was the day the cat ate for herself again and took herself a massive dump!! :)
The worst part of all this feeling sorry for myself is that I almost cried in front of a customer today and I have never done that - not on a personal level; I've cried with one and in front of one on a business level when I was helping them to sort out some funeral flowers which was very unprofessional of me. I don't like to cry in front of anyone on a good day (this past week I've sobbed in front of my Mum way too many times) but to do so in front of a customer is a very bad thing. This in turn then saw me getting angry with myself. Round and round I go. She did tell me I wasn't to do anything silly. Tried hard to explain to her that I would never do such a thing; everything that is going on with me is just a blip. I also know from experience (not personal but people I know) that the people who would (do) do something (silly, as she put it but which is so far from being silly, it's a stupid word to use for it) would never be the people who sit and talk about things. I may keep a lot bottled up inside but in the past I have always found someone to talk to when it's got too much for me. Now because I don't have the "someone" any more, I'm putting it all out there on the internet where anyone could find it. I know talking about it is truly the best way to deal with it. That's what's so nice about the internet. I don't have to sit and talk to anyone face to face if I don't want to, but by sitting here tapping away on a keyboard I'm talking to thousands of people at once and not one of them can stop me in mid-flow or talk back at me (which sadly is what the real people in my life do these days - if they even bother to take the time for me anyway. Not one of my friends has even so much as texted me this week to see how I am doing; I don't want full on convo's a but a "hey sar, how are ya?" wouldn't hurt. In reply they'd get a "fine ta, how's you?" that would be all. It doesn't take much to let someone know you're in their thoughts). The funny thing (again I'm using funny in the same way the customer used silly in that it's not really funny at all) is that J will tell me of all these times he'd had these "feelings" where he's needed to message or phone a friend only to find the person he's contacted is fine and has no problems, yet here I am, supposedly one of his best friends going through my own little crazy breakdown and I've not heard a word from him. I'm sure he will pop in later - he normally does on a Tuesday - but I bet he won't once ask how I am doing, while the first words out of my mouth to him will be "how are you?". Therein lies the difference in us. Therein lies the Sarah who always puts the welfare of others above her own - even when I tell myself I won't be doing it any more.
Goodness; I never knew when I opened up about how I feel the other day I'd get myself on such a mission. Time to switch back to the me people are used to. This emotional one is really not good to be around.