Monday, 26 June 2017

Meltdown

I had a bit of a meltdown on Friday - actually, I had a lot of a meltdown on Friday. I began crying about 16:30 and finished last night. I know what triggered it, yet no matter how much I told myself to "get it together" I just couldn't. I then got so angry at myself for being in such a state. The joys of being a human.

Before I get on a waffle about why I've been struggling so much, I thought I'd share a couple of good things which have happened today. One, I smacked the back of my car into a solid metal post today and somehow (I've literally no idea how) there is no damage. Not even a tiny scratch and I really did smack into it. Not sure why my parking sensors didn't go off - have made a note to get them checked. The 2nd good thing - which is a real bonus - is a friend of mine came in who is really good at sorting out back issues; he's not a chiropractor and has never trained but it you pull a muscle or trap a nerve is the "go-to-guy". Turns out he can also cure a headache for I have had one since a week ago today that I've not been able to shift. He sat behind me, pushed and pulled my head, back and neck a bit and within 15 minutes the pain had completely gone. The really good one though is the Paypal button is working again. Hurrah. This means you can all give me lots of money again 😂😂😂. Don't be shy, give it a try 😂😂😂




Ok; so that's the good stuff. The bad stuff. Actually I'm not going to share with you what triggered it because that could end up being like a therapy session and we could be here a while. Let's just say I just couldn't take any more. We all get days like it and being in the menopause right now I find things I'd normally try to push away end up getting closer and closer and becoming more and more of an issue. Back in the day I'd head off to see the kids Mum, have a cry, talk it out with her and be fine; she's not here any more for me to do that with and so I find myself trying to deal with it all on my own and that is not an easy thing for me to do. We all need someone to talk to; I currently in my life have no-one and that's been the hardest thing for me. I spend my days listening to everyone else's problems and issues - some of which are from people I absolutely can't stand and would happily tell to "fuck off" if it wasn't for the fact they come into the shop to share. One of the downsides of being a small business is that you have to 'suck-it-up' to everyone because it takes you 1000 customers to get you and extra 1 or 2, yet it takes just 1 customer to lose you 1000. Last week I was trying to deal with my own issues while having people come in on a daily basis whining to me about theirs; some of them have been telling me the same thing every single time I see them for weeks on end. By Friday I think I had just reached that point where I could take no more. I was either going to lose it big time and flip my lid, or cry. Turns out I cried. 

In our house when I was a child, crying was a sign of weakness. Now, with some things it's great not to be allowed to cry. If I fell over, no matter how badly I hurt myself, I didn't cry. I would often get told to say sorry to whatever I fell on - I really did apologise to a lot of pavements 😂😂😂😂😂😂. This was a good thing for it's made me anything but a wimp when it comes to injuries. I have no problem with that. My tolerance to pain is a quite high (except toothache; I cannot cope with toothache). Even if I am in complete agony I tend not to whine on about it; that's one thing I don't cry over.It's the emotional pain I struggle with for I was always told to 'pull-yourself-together'. This wasn't done in a nasty or uncaring way; it was done to try to toughen me up, prepare me for whatever shit life may throw at me. The trouble is I'm not that kind of person. I have a heart - a very big one - I wear that heart on my sleeve; I am an emotional person. Things that others may just shrug at will upset me. I hate the thought I've upset someone - that upsets me. Animal cruelty upsets me. My own animal sbeing under the weather, upsets me. Being spoken down to, upsets me (I was bullied for a really massive portion of my early life and no matter what people say it really does affect you if you've been bullied - "sticks and stones" is bollocks, Broken bones heal; emotional scars, don't) I also have a temper and the angrier I get about things, the more likely I am to cry (it's a release thing) however, this actually makes it worse because I then remember back to being a child and realise I have to sort myself out and get it together. It's a vicious circle really. As I've said though, in the past I would have gone to my friend, cried on her shoulder, got it out of my system and moved on with life. Her not being here has meant I've had to keep it in, bottle it up; I knew at some point I was going to blow, I just hoped I'd be able to get it sorted before I did. As it turns out, I didn't. As I was sobbing in the kitchen with my Mum telling me to "stop those tears now, you'll be ok, sort yourself out" I remember screaming "but I don't have anyone; I've got no friends". 

Never a truer word have I spoken; I really don't have any friends. Not any more. Turns out I never really did to begin with. I just had people who pretended because they saw me as a meal ticket. There was the 2 childhood friends I've mentioned before; one who was just toxic and managed to poison the mind of another with mental health issues. Then there was the one who kind of replaced my best friend - not that anyone could replace her. I honestly thought she was a true friend; I could not have been more wrong. The minute I told her I couldn't afford to pay for something she suddenly found herself new friends and spent her time slagging me off to them. That's not what I would call a friend. That actually hurt me far more than the one who let herself be poisoned for she didn't really know what she was doing. The one using me knew exactly what she was doing. I should have realised but having not long lost my best friend I was at one of those vulnerable stages in life and she saw an opportunity, grabbing it with both hands quite happily. I hate people like that. Mind you, I've come across so many in my time it's my own fault for allowing it to happen. You'd have thought by now I'd have learned what people to avoid, but no. Stupid Sarah gets suckered in all the time. I think I am more angry at myself over her than any of the others. Well, with the exception of the toxic wanker that is. 

I believe the combination of grief from my friend dying (I never dealt with it at the time) anger at not being able to do more for her kids (or have them live with me) the hassle of what should have been a relaxing holiday in Wales which was pretty much a stressful nightmare, then my poor little cat passing away (I'm still totally heartbroken over her) added to the shitty menopause symptoms and people coming into the shop pissing me off and it all just became too much for me. Even today, although I am feeling much better than I was, it wouldn't take much for me to cry. 

I'm not on the road to happiness and enlightenment again just yet, but I know this is a blip, one of lifes dips, and before I know it I'll be riding the roller coaster to the very top again. The only downside to being at the top, is that the only way to go from there, is the bottom. I've a lot of issues I've not dealt with and I either need to deal with them now, or accept that they are what they are, store them in a cupboard with all the past things I've not been able to alter or deal with, and move on. All so much easier said than done. I think I need a holiday :) 

But hey; my paypal button is working again 😂😂😂

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