One thing I learned from the 'Witch Bible' I was talking about yesterday is that I am most definitely not going to learn anything from it and that it belongs to people who are nothing like me. Just reading the 'introduction' section I got confused, let alone trying to read/understand anything else. Another thing I did discover is that it really is a book for those of you wishing to start a coven, for nothing I read or came across would be suitable for a lone person. Looks like I need to find another way to sort myself out :) I'm sure to many it would have made perfect sense; I literally didn't have a clue what they were on about. On a good day I'm not the brightest spark in the lighting section but trying to read that I learned I don't even make a dull flicker :) Wicca is not going to become "my thing"; that much I did learn :) You'd think at my age I'd already have a "thing" wouldn't you? I never have. I've believed in many things then had that belief questioned or proved to me to be wrong. I guess I'm one of those 'lost souls' you hear about, wandering aimlessly, although I'm not necessarily looking for anything. Maybe I don't need a thing. Maybe I already have everything I need. I know what makes me happy; I know where I feel I belong. I know where I need to go to recharge. Perhaps that's all I need. I guess I need to get in my car this weekend and head off to the place where I can do that. I doubt I will find what I am looking for there but at least I'll feel a bit more grounded than I do right now.
Just realised several of you may have thought when you saw the title "I gave up" to mean that I have given up on my finance raising efforts. Silly you if you did. That's the very last thing I will be doing; I won't give up on that until I have all that I need to achieve the dream. Heck, I need to be in some of those places right now. I know I would get my grounding there. My spirit and mood could not help but be lifted if I was over there. Breathing in the fresh air of the Grand Tetons. Watching the sun glisten off the water at Jenny Lake. Watching the geysers as they blow, the mud bubbling, the earth breathing right in front of me. I don't think any place on earth can show the true power and workings of this amazing planet we live on than Yellowstone National Park can. To think when I first dreamed of a road trip all those many, many, many years ago I had cut Yellowstone out of the equation because I didn't think it would be somewhere I'd want to visit, yet here it is now, the one place I feel I really do need to get back to. To touch a piece of history in Cody; to stand looking down on the spot where Custer's body was found - there is an element of doubt about whether it's where he actually died, but his body was found there so that's good enough for me. This time around I want to spend all day there so I can walk the trails and head down to the river. On the 'whistle stop' trip I did we had just over an hour which is nowhere near long enough. To drink sarsaparilla in Deadwood (actually I couldn't do that because it's vanilla based and I hate the taste of Vanilla but I could purchase one for someone else). To sit in wonder at the vast landscape of Badlands National Park. I could never give up on that. Giving up on such a dream would be akin to giving up on myself and no matter how tough life gets (how tough it has been) I know each and every day how truly blessed I am to be here and would never give up on life. To let the kids share in the experience will be amazing. How I long to see their faces when we see a bear (we will see a bear) from a safe distance of course; I'd not want to be too close. To watch them tread so carefully in places for fear of rattlesnakes :) Money can't buy these as such - there's never any guarantee of seeing anything - but it can surely get us where we need to be 'just-in-case'. To hear a wolf howling in it's natural habitat; well, life doesn't get any better than that - for me at least. So many experiences; so many memories. I bet the kids don't even know there are as many stars in our solar system. Out there their tiny little minds will be well and truly blown if they look skyward on a clear night.
I'm not saying I'm going to "find myself" in any of these places. Let's face it I'll spend most of my time making sure the kids are safe - sometimes even at their age I'm not entirely sure about them. Neither of them have much common sense (something they will happily attain to) but there will be moments when I know they're safe that I'll be able to take a deep breath and survey all the wonders that mother earth has to offer. Those moments - however fleeting they may be - are what life is all about; for me at least. Life is about many different things to so many different people. The kids may hate it while we're there - there's not really a lot for them to do but if I don't find a way to get them there, neither they, nor I, will ever know :)
In the meantime, someone was kind enough to make a £5 donation at the end of the last week, I've earned £6 from my google adsense account and 57p from an online review site :) It's going to cost me way more than that to get my accountant to file my tax return (he's going to have to do it for me because I won't have a clue where these extra bits need to go) but it's trickling in and I'll take a slow steady trickle any day - not that I would refuse a full-on burst if someone wanted to because that would mean I could get there quicker :) :)
Of course I'm putting my little donate button wherever I can possibly fit it in. I have a friend whose hoping for me to help him set up a little blog/site like I have here for himself - the one I've told you about that I've done it for many, many, many times before. I decided to be kind and help him out; however, I'm also going to be helping myself out for I'm going to pop the same little donate button onto his site too :) He can think of it as payment for my time and effort at getting him up and running; I'm sure I'll also have to keep a check on things for him every now and then too. I'll pop my adsense on there as well to begin with, eventually replacing it with his own but he won't get one yet as I think you either have to have your page running for over a year, or a set amount of visitors - I got mine early because of the amount of hits I get. The great thing about it is that once you have adsense you can use it on any blogs, sites or internet places you own - obviously I don't own my friends but I'll have his permission to use it so all will be good in my world :) It's about time he did something to help me out too.