Wednesday, 28 June 2017

Break Point

although I'd much rather it was Point Break - that's a great film :) 

I'm actually here to rant, rave and be totally pathetic so if you've got any sense you'll move along right now. I will say before I get started that I am well aware I am going to be sounding pathetic, that I am an extremely lucky person to have what I have, that I have everything to be grateful for and so shouldn't be sounding off like I am about to and whining about the things I will whine about. I know all of that; I tell myself those things each and every single day. However, on this very day, at this moment in time I feel as if my world is crashing down around me and no matter how much I yell and shout at myself - I really have given myself such a stern talking to - I cannot get my head out of my arse right now to deal with it all. I hate feeling how I feel; I hate the person I currently am, and have become. This person is not me yet she's infiltrated my very being and is taking over to the point where I literally don't seem to have any control any more. I hate whining about my life because to the outside world I pretty much have it all - as I've said I am a really, really lucky person. I know how pathetic and whiny I sound. If I was you I'd want to slap me really hard too - believe me I've tried to slap myself hard several times, yet all to no avail. It doesn't matter what I tell myself, how much I yell at myself or how hard I slap, I cannot shake myself from this. 

I actually shared a post with a couple of friends earlier about it all - we have a little private facebook group for the 4 of us. We use it to share tips with each other (we're all in the same profession - it's through out jobs we met; I'm as far south as one can be, another is on the very top of Scotland, the other 2 smack bang in the midlands - we're covering the country). Over the years we've become friends too (and have met each other - unusual I know these days). We share good days, bad days, funny days; these people are among my closest friends. I can talk to them about anything and they are there if I need them but right now there's not much they can do. 

As you know I've been suffering a bit with the old menopause recently. I would not wish it on anyone - not even my enemies (ok, maybe I would wish it on them!!). I wrote a blog entry about it a couple of years ago when the symptoms first kicked in. I'd never realised there were so many different things which could happen to you at one time. There's a link to it on my other (first) blog. You can go to it if you Click Here :) 

I've also been suffering with a headache - for 10 days now. As I explained yesterday I am sure the bulk of it is down to the people who come into the shop and drain me of what little energy I have (a couple of visits today are what have brought me to the point I find myself in right now, unsure whether to rock in a corner with my knees pulled up tight, or go out and batter a few people to death - I'm really not going to kill anyone before someone who has read this far thinks they need to call the bizzies on me; no matter how bad things get I would not fair well in prison so would go out of my way to avoid the risk I could end up there). 

My biggest thing is I am really missing my best friend (the kids Mum). She was my 'go-to-gal' (as was I, hers). She was one-in-a-million and the only person I have ever known that actually meant it when she said "I'm here to listen if you ever need me to". So many people say they are there, but they're not; they're just saying words. Do you know how many people will talk over me when I'm talking? Pretty much everyone. I know I'm a boring person with nothing interesting to really say, but how fucking rude is that? I've had people ask me a question, wait until I start to answer, then just talk over the top of me about something else; even worse they've turned their back to me and began talking to another person. This happens to me so often. I could never do that to someone. The best thing is when I then go quiet - there's no point talking if nobody is really interested - and I'll get the "you're very quiet today". No shit, Sherlock. My best friend wasn't like that. She would listen. She would let me rant until I'd ranted myself out. Occasionally as I ranted she'd make a cuppa - still always listening; never interrupting. We'd pass ciggies back and forth to each other as I ranted (back in the day) and still she would listen. Once I was finally done she would give me great words of advice, like "well, you know what you need to do, don't you?" or "hmmmm. I think you need to stop giving a fuck". Her advice was always spot on :) I miss her every single second, of every single day. Don't get me wrong. Our friendship was very much 2 sided. Many a time I made the cuppa and sat listening to her. That's what friends do - real friends, at least. They give everything and ask nothing in return. The second she would have received my text about my cat dying, she would have been planning a chilli for dinner the following night because I would have gone down to hers, she would have hugged me as I cried; we would have talked long into the night. That's what friends do for each other. When she lost her dog I was there within minutes. I miss her so much - my friend, although I loved her dog too. 

I am also still so very angry with her. Angry that she let her illness go on so long before getting it checked out - she possibly could have lived. Angry that she married the wanker she did (have I told you about how he tried to kill her? Literally left her dying on the living room floor; had it not been for a neighbour going round she would have died a horrible writhing agony death - not that the cancer was that delightful for her). There was no proof about him doing it so the police weren't interested, even though the hospital knew he'd taken charge of her meds. When she did finally kick him out, he phoned me and told me it didn't matter because when she died he was the one to organise her funeral. I told him her daughter would have something to say about that, to which he replied "Then I'll leave her rotting on a slab then". Yep, that's the scum she married. I'm angry she didn't do more to stop him from getting the house because by allowing him to have it she sent the youngest 2 (the ones I want to take travelling) to live with their Dad and his wife-thing (awful people, the pair of them) and her eldest found herself out on the street with nowhere to live. Had she not left the house to him they could have all stayed together. The eldest technically lost her Mum, her home, her dog (went to live with the younger 2) her brother and sister all in the same week - her tortoise also died just 5 days after her Mum. She then had the hassle from her step-dad who had her physically removed from the house (her Mum wasn't even cold when he did so) her Uncle, who couldn't be bothered to help her Mum, refused to help pay any funeral costs because he was going on holiday and needed the spending money (this is the same man who had left his penniless dying sister to pay for their Mums funeral just the year before). He then committed fraud and basically stole his Mothers house from underneath his sisters kids feet, knowing his Mum had written in her will he was never to step foot in there when she died; because his sister was dying and the kids had no money to take him to court, he took everything. He's vile scum who deserves to rot from the inside out, yet there he is lording it up over them all. He didn't even bother to visit his sister before she died, or make contact with the kids to see how they were once she died. You bet I'm angry. I'm angry at him, at her husband but more so at her for allowing it all to happen to her kids. That anger doesn't stop me missing her though - I miss her so much. 

It's her brothers fault I have no money for he is the one who stole from me all those years ago, leaving me with a massive debt I couldn't afford to pay back. He's the reason that even now, 20 something years after we split, I am still struggling to make the ends meet. He's the reason I have a bank account permanently in the red, and why at 47 I have to live with my Mum. I don't earn enough to live elsewhere anyway, but add to the fact I have the debts I have because of him and I have a lot of reasons to hate him. Anyone who says "karma exists" is totally deluded. Karma is a load of bollox told by fools to make themselves feel better. The evil people of this world get everything; the nice, decent honest people get shit on from great heights. It really doesn't pay to be honest. My Mum has nothing because she had to remortgage when my Dad died. She had to remortgage because my Dad couldn't work (he was dying) and so she couldn't afford to pay all of the bills. She asked for help from our social services (both my parents started work at 14, had never been out of work, bought their own house and did as much overtime as they could to just put food on the table and pay the bills). She got told she wasn't entitled to anything. My Dad lived for just 18 months. She got not a single penny to help with anything. They lived on his sick pay and what I could afford to give them. There was a girl living in the shop above where I worked who had never done a day's work in her life, whose youngest child was about to go to school. This meant she could then go and get a job and she looked at me, and said "I'm not going to work; it's doesn't pay me to go to work. I'll have another kid and then they'll have to pay me". She saw being on benefits popping out kids as her entitlement. She had 4, was pregnant with another, all paid for by the social. They gave her a grant to buy new furniture, she had all the latest gadgets, drove a brand new car; never did a day's work in her life. They gave her everything; they gave my parents nothing. Don't ever tell me karma exists and that life is fair. It doesn't and it's not. 

I love my Mum; she gave me life, she gave me a roof over my head when I split with my ex on Christmas Eve (great Christmas that was). She is my Mum. I wouldn't swap her for the world, but I cannot tell you how hard it is living with her at times. I'm a loner as a person. I like my own company, my own space; I like being alone at times (I do also like company; I'm not anti-social, I just like 'me time' now and again. Since Mum retired I am never alone. I get up in the morning, she's there, I get in from work, she's there. It's constant, and because she can go days without seeing anyone but me, I am her only source of company. I love her, wouldn't swap her for the world, could never now leave her alone (she's in her twilight years and I'm not sure she's really safe to be left alone these days) but there are times when I wish she would go out for the day and just leave me be. My brother did say when I came back from the USA in 2014 that he would try to come round every couple of months and take her out for a day, afternoon or evening. He works long hours; he tries, but in those (almost) 3 years, he's taken her to ikea twice (both times being gone under 3 hours) and out for an afternoon on a day when I was away camping - so it didn't really count. I know if he could do more he would but sometimes I really wish he would just pick her up on a Saturday lunchtime and bring her back Sunday teatime :) The last time I was truly alone and undisturbed was when I was in America. Every evening when we got back to the hotel, if I didn't want to go out I didn't have to; several nights I got in, locked the door, had a bath and just enjoyed the silence for a couple of hours. I think that's why I found it so hard when I got back home; I really struggled for a good few weeks when I got back. I'd gone from waking to an empty room, getting myself ready for the day with no interruptions and doing what I wanted, watching what I wanted in the evenings, to having Mum there again constantly. Those first few weeks back home were really hard. I feel bad saying these things for I am so lucky to have my Mum; I love her more than you could imagine but sometimes I just need to be with myself. Someone told me to go and sit in my room; I laughed. Anyone who knows my Mum would never say such a silly thing for she doesn't see people during the day a lot; she'd keep coming up to talk to me (offer me a drink etc) that I'd still not get any peace. It's easier to just sit in the living room with her. 

I do have afternoons at work where I might not see a customer; people tell me I should accept that as my alone time. They are correct in a sense but it's not like I can kick back, relax, put my feet up. At any second a customer (or worse) could come through the doors or the phone could ring. I may be alone in the building but I can't be me. 

I realise as I'm saying all this just how pathetic and childish I sound. I know how lucky I am to have all the things I have; I really do. That's what makes feeling like this so much harder to deal with. I really have nothing to complain about. Ok, so My Dad, Boyfriend and Best Friend have all died. Many of the people I thought were friends, were in fact anything but; to be honest I don't really have any friends at all these days. I have the camping lot but only see them for camping. I don't fit/belong in their everyday world; that's fine, that's how life is. We all have different groups of friends for different occasions. I look forward to my camping with them more than I probably would if we were seeing each other in social situations anyway - or so I tell myself :)  I have the friend I went away with earlier in the year. As much as I love him I have to admit he can be really hard work. He's very selfish, quite arrogant, thoughtless, inconsiderate towards others and while he can be funny at times, when he's in a sulk he is the hardest person to be around. I think him and I are definitely only suited to the odd day out or the hour a week when he visits me at work. We do seem to struggle being in each other's company for longer than 5 or 6 hours, and that's fine. That's the friendship we have. That's it; my whole friend pool, and that's how it's going to stay because I don't have any money to go out anywhere to make new friends. Disappointed someone I thought was a friend (who could have matched up to my best friend - she'd never have been able to replace her though) turned out to not be. I genuinely thought we would have a lifelong friendship, but alas, it was not to be. She was just using me until someone better came along. That's life.


So, there you have it. I'm a middle-aged, fat, sad, menopausal, lonely woman who needs to find a new friend, somewhere I can spend a few hours a week totally alone, and who maybe, just maybe can get herself off on a holiday where she can relax, be herself and take some great photo's (obviously with people are not going to ruin the trip by sulking, being lazy, grumpy or a twat!!) 

I do know how all the above sounds; First world problems and all that. I am aware that at this very second someone, somewhere is taking their last breath. A child somewhere who was born into nothing, has nothing, is dying a horrendously painful death. I do know that there are children, at this very instant losing limbs in war torn countries. There are people sleeping rough on our streets, other fighting with all their might to beat the diseases which are rampaging through their bodies. There are parents losing children, animals being tortured to death. There are people finding out they themselves have just a few months to live. I know all of this is going on as I sit here, feeling sorry for myself, whining with my "woe-is-me" patheticness going on. Believe me, I know and that's why it's so hard for me to deal with feeling the way I do. Unlike my friends brother and husband thing, these awful things going on in other peoples lives mean something; I feel empathy for them. That doesn't mean I can't feel sad, upset, lost and down now and again. I am only human and as I said yesterday there are many people out there sucking the very life force out of me. I understand these people are suffering and it's not fair they have to. It's not fair any decent human, animal or other creature has to (that's why I do not believe in Karma or any kind of god - because it's always the decent people who suffer). I know that, but it doesn't stop me feeling sorry for myself on this day. 

I'm hoping after I've smudged the shop the negative atmosphere surrounding me all day will be gone and then I can work on rebuilding the positivity which normally flows so strongly through my veins (damn you menopause - damn this headache). I planned on smudging this evening after I close the shop but I've got no matches or lighter (the downside to no longer smoking).

I think I need a holiday!!!



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