Monday, 12 June 2017

Angry witch

old witch or angry old witch? That's the question today. I think the answer really is "all of the above". 

You see I am angry, about so many things right now I'm not even sure where to start. While other people have been the main source of my anger I'm actually more angry at myself than I could ever be at anyone else. 

Do I think my anger is justified? Absolutely. I hate feeling like it though. However, I know the only way to stop feeling it is to keep smiling because the people/situations that have caused the anger within me will not be able to make it go away. Only I can do that. There is one person I can sit down and talk to (and will do) and that's the last person to upset me. I tried saying something at the time but he thought I was messing about - or is just that arrogant he didn't believe I was being serious. The more time has passed the more I've let it fester (stupid I know but sometimes I just can't let go of things) so I will be sitting this particular friend down and telling him exactly how I feel and what he has done to make me so angry. It could mean the end of another friendship; if that's how it has to be then that's how it will be. Real friends don't treat each other in such a way to begin with. However, he's a recent anger and not the real route/cause 

Ok; I'm not really making much sense here - when do I ever? Let me explain what kicked it all off. 

I have to go back 45 years (or so).  I grew up on an estate where all the people purchasing the houses were around the same age which resulted on all the kids being in the same age bracket too. I was middle of the group with the rest being 5 years either side of me. We all went to the same schools, our parents all knew each other, we all knew each other from (practically) birth. I ended up with 2 guys a year old than me and the sister of one of the guys a year younger than me. These people became family to me; more so than my own family. Sadly, one of the guys (the one without the sibling) has a nasty streak - he's got a really big chip on his shoulder. This got worse when he got sent away to boarding school. I used to feel sorry for him (I have this thing about feeling sorry for people - it's got me used so many times) and would make allowances and excuses all the time for his nasty behaviour. Everyone knew his parents felt guilty at sending him away so they would indulge him; this just encouraged his behaviour even more. I don't remember a single person from back then who liked him. Neither I nor the other male did particularly either but we made allowances for him, and way too many excuses. He is a born liar - anyone who is everyone knows it and for the most part we would ignore his lies. If people believed what he's said about me they'd think I've had sex with almost 100 people - this could not be further from the truth. He is a very good liar though and has stood right up to me, almost spitting in my face, telling other people around that I had slept with this boy we all knew (he'd kissed me - ONCE). In the end I realised it was easier to just agree with him than it was to try to point out the truth. It wasn't until a few years ago it dawned on me that this man is a bully. Now, the other male in our group washed his hands of him a long time ago; I heard only one side of the story to this (the liars side) until recently and because I'd only heard the one side I did feel some sympathy for him (now, I feel foolish for believing him - but at the time I had no reason to doubt him). The younger sister remained friends with him also.

That same younger sister became my closest friend; the sister I never had. I have shared everything with her. There's not a thing about my life she doesn't know. I was there the night she met her husband - I will not deny I had a bit of a thing for him; she told me she thought him a "twat" so I hoped that meant I might be able to make a move on him. A few weeks later she turned up with him professing that because I'd said I liked him, she thought he must be ok and that she was dating him. A bit naughty of her when she knew I liked him, but hey ho; them's the breaks. He was in the navy so away from home a lot; she constantly worried he was going to cheat on her - even though her brother worked with him so there was no way he would have got away with doing so (I sometimes wonder if that's the real reason she got with him, because she knew her brother would always be around). I'm not sure if she was married at the time or if they were still engaged, but I know she was living him when it happened. He was away at sea and we were hanging out a lot with some other friends - male friends - when she told me she was developing feelings for one of them and was considering having an affair (I've since found out that just a few years ago she got her wish). At the time I knew I coudn't let her do such a thing; it wouldn't have been fair on her husband - I am aware that I could have split them up and made a move on him myself, but I am a loyal friend and believe there are some boundaries which should not be broken. Instead I threw everything I had at the guy she was considering an affair with to stop her making what I considered to be a really big mistake. I ended up sleeping with this guy even though I felt nothing for him. 

Fast forward 20 years, she's got 3 boys with her husband but comes to see me at work one day telling me she's considering leaving him. We chat about it, she tells me about another guy she's falling for, I tell her she's got to do what's right for her but to never go behind her husbands back. For years she to and froed back and forth until one day out of the blue I get a text telling me she's left him. Turns out everyone else knew days before me. I think her guilt stopped her from telling me. She'd not left him for the guy she'd talked to me about, but for some other one she'd met somewhere. I told her as long as she was happy then I was happy for her. I did point out that her husband is also a friend and that I would not walk away from his friendship because of what she'd done. She told me she was glad about that. 

And so it was to be. She was with a new man; her husband was beyond devastated, her kids didn't know what to do with themselves, but she was happy. That's all that mattered. Yet I don't think she was happy - I still don't think she is. I know she had to leave her husband, that much I'm certain of but I think she chose the wrong one to leave him for and I believe she's now trapped in a relationship she doesn't want to be in. He's a vile creature and I despised him the second I met him. Not because he was the reason for their breakup. I hate the way he spoke to her in front of me. However, the lying piece of shit from our childhood relished the breakup. For him it was a dream come true as it gave him lots he could do to stir up shit, and boy did he do so. The female does have some mental health issues and she is very easily manipulated; he knows this and used it to his full advantage. While he should have been supporting her husband (and her) through it all, he went out of his way to tell as many lies to her as he could. I have no idea what he thought he would achieve, but he ended up getting her to believe I was sleeping with her husband (he actually worded it a lot more crudely to her than that and the pride in his face when he told me what he'd said to her was scary). I was not, am not, and have no intention to do such a thing and if she was to really sit and think about it she would know so, yet she believed him, allowing it to come between us and as of 2 years ago mine and her friendship is no more. Mine and his is not either. 

I'm not angry about what he's done - he's a wanker and it was to be expected. I'm not angry that she believed him - as I've said he is very manipulative and took advantage of her mental state. What I am angry about is how everyone else is still friends with him after what he's done to her husband. None of them seem to be able to see that while her husband was at the lowest point in his life, a time when he needed people to be there for him, this lying piece of shit was doing nothing but spreading rumours and lies about him. He should have been supporting them both, yet chose to lie about one and to the other. That's what makes me angry. How can none of them see that? It's been just over 3 years since they split, 2 since it finally ended between me and her. I should be over it by now yet I see photo's of him with her and her kids, I see her kids hanging out with him and it angers me so much. How can they not see what this thing did to their father? And also what he has done to their Mother? His manipulation of her is so very scary. My friendship with her husband is probably stronger now because of it all - so if the lying shit's plan was to cause a rift there he failed; my friendship with the other guy from childhood could never be stronger as no matter what me and him will always be there for each other. I know this pisses off the liar thing but until such times as she and her kids see him for what he really is and see what he actually did I don't think I am going to be able to switch off the anger I have (without some kind of help). I also don't want him feeding from me and I know all the time I am angry at him he is feeding; I'd like to starve the vile creature and I need to do it sooner rather than later for the more he feeds from me, the weaker I become - yet oddly I've never felt stronger. I do love being a contradiction of myself 😁😁

That's where the witch bit comes in - see, I wasn't out to just confuse you all :) 

My best friend (the one who died; 1904 days ago to be precise and I've missed her for each and every one of those) always used to call me an "old witch" she called me other things too but I can't repeat those!!! Another friend I have also calls me an "old witch" - she recently bought me a voodoo doo; best gift, or what? Anyhow, my bestie was bang into tarot cards, paranormal stuff and all manner of related things. When she died her daughter gave me the bag she kept her tarot books and other bits that were personal to, and meant something to, her. I've never looked at any of it, or even opened the bag until I went camping with her middle child the other weekend. A while back we had a chat about such things with her brother (if you read my crap regularly you may even remember me telling you how he told me he wanted to have a go at a ouija board!). I promised my number 2 that day I would dig out her Mum's cards for her to have a look at - I've since given them to her and don't plan on asking for them back. I think I was meant to keep them until this time and her Mum would have wanted her to have them. This morning I noticed the bag is still in my car so opened it to find a thing I gave my bestie about friendship is in there (this nearly made me cry for as I've said it was a bag of bits that meant something to her 😢) but also in there was a brand new book (I'm not even sure she'd ever turned a page in it) titled "A witches bible". I chuckled when I saw that, then it got me thinking.  After the dream about Louis the other week (I've not been able to stop thinking about him - his death, that of my best friend and my Dad also add to how angry I feel) to then find this book about witches when she always called me one have made me think that I obviously need to read it. I'm now wondering if maybe there is something inside it that might be able to help me deal with my anger issues. If not, it can't hurt to read it anyway. Who knows, it may also give me some hints and tips about how to raise the funds I need 😁.

        
No, I won't be casting spells - I know to do so is a bad thing unless you are using it as good for someone else's benefit; I just think it's appeared at a point in my life where there may be something in it which will be of use for me. I don't believe in coincidences 😁


So there you have it; I'm an angry old witch whose about to spend some time reading about proper witches to see if maybe, just maybe, their way of life can help me in mine right now. I'm sure I'll waffle about it on here at many points throughout my time reading it. 😁

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