Wednesday, 10 May 2017

I'd rather be alone

than in a relationship with someone just for the sake of it. Words I say often, have stuck to and intend on sticking to in the future. I know too many people who stay with their other halves just because they can't cope with being alone. They're not happy, they're not content, they just can't cope without someone being in their lives. I'm not like that. I refuse to be in a relationship just so I can say I am in one, or because it's better than being alone. That doesn't mean though that I don't get lonely. Believe me, I really do. I didn't have to be. I've had offers, I could have stayed with exes who would have given me that security I have craved but I wasn't prepared to put up with their indiscretions; I am worth far more than that. 

Right now, at this moment in time, point in my life I feel lonelier than I have felt in a really long time. I couldn't cope with someone in my life full-time (at least I don't think I could) but it would be nice to feel part of something, to feel wanted by someone, to have someone to share things with - good, bad and ugly. Being away with J the other week was lovely in one way because it was just the 2 of us, doing things that couples do (ish; we never did any of the 'naughty' stuff - we are friends and friends only) but it was nice to share my day with someone (even when we were pissing each other off). Of course I have my Mum on a daily basis - living with her it's hard not to) but I am different around her. No matter how old I get she is still my Mum, there are still boundaries, things I wouldn't discuss with her. Because she spends so much of her day alone I feel I have to spend as much of my evenings with her as poss. When I was away it was nice to go and sit in another room with a book and not have to explain why I was doing so. I liked that. I always enjoyed that part of a relationship. Of course it would be different now getting into something new for I have responsibilities I never had when I was with people before. My priorities have changed. It's not all about me any more which is why I'd need to find a guy who also wants something on a part-time basis. That doesn't mean I'd want to share him with someone. When I'm in a relationship I believe in being faithful at all times. I just couldn't be with someone who wanted to be with me 24/7 - except for when he wants to whisk me off on a 3 week road trip that is; then I'd be happy spending so much time with him, although I'd probably find even then I'd wander off at points for some "me time". Sadly the chances of me meeting anyone - let alone someone who fits my criteria - is extremely slim these days (if only I was too!!!) so although I hold onto hope that one day that guy who could tick all my boxes will find his way into my life, I am also a realist and understand that I am likely to spend the rest of my life sitting on the shelf, waiting. I'm sure there are plenty of men out there waiting for someone like me (haha) but I am also quite fussy in the kind of guy I want - hence why I have been single for so long. I've had offers but I'm honest enough to admit I'm quite shallow. I've been down that road before. The last guy I lived with I realised after we split that it wasn't really him I was in love with; it was the situation. I enjoyed being someone's "other half". That sounds so wrong as I was saying it for I am always a whole me but it was nice being a part of something. 

I think being so lonely is part of the reason I've taken it so hard with my cat being on her way out; she's still getting around like a youngling but is sleeping a lot more and really unless a miracle happens she has to have less than a few days in her. Today so far is the first day in over a week I've not cried; how good is that? I am aware (to a lot of people) it's crazy to get so upset over a cat but unless you are an animal lover then you will never understand. I guess her having been there for so long is part of the reason. I've been through some pretty rough ups and downs since she rescued me (I rescued her in essence but really she rescued me). I've loved, lost, been used and abused and no matter what was going on in my life she was always there when I got home; sitting by the back door waiting for me. She didn't care if I was happy, sad, or angry, as long as she got her cuddles, food and water. She has been the constant in my crazy world and when she finally takes her last breath (I'm amazed she's still here for I was sure she would be gone by the end of last weekend) a little piece of me will die with her. I know it's life and that I have been so lucky she's made it to the grand old age of 20 but that doesn't help ease the sadness I'm feeling. 

Oops; I didn't want to talk about the cat today for I shall be doing more than enough talking when her time finally comes. 

Having said that I guess some of the sadness I am feeling would be a little easier to deal with if I wasn't feeling so lonely. It would appear that it's true; it's the little things which build up into a big something. All the hurt I've kept inside has found its way to the surface. Not a bad thing. It's far better to let it out than keep it bottled up (or so they tell me) but right now at this point in my life I'm not quite so sure. 

Right, Sarah, enough of this doom and gloom. Nobody wants to read the ramblings of a sad, lonely 47 year old. 

One good thing has happened - no, I've been able to pay myself last months wages yet (hopefully by the end of the week it might happen). The good thing is that the person I sent a message to on Monday - I mentioned it yesterday - hasn't responded to me. My reasons for sending the message at the time made sense to me but now I realise what an absolute twat I behaved as. His not replying is a definite bonus and is a most welcome positive in my life right now :) 



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