Monday, 8 May 2017

Honesty

It would appear that people liked me being so open with my feelings yesterday for my blog had over 7000 views - that's right, 7000. How is that possible? I normally have a couple of hundred and have had a couple of thousand a few times, but never quite that many. I've also had some really wonderful feedback from people and some lovely things have been said to me; I've thanked everyone personally for their kindness but I'm not sure I was fully able to convey just how much their words meant to me. They've certainly helped make the dark time I am going through a little lighter than it was. I guess people like to know I am a human after all. I'm still in a very dark place, the cat is not any better and my laptop - the one thing which keeps me connected to the real world when I cannot afford to get out and about (which is most days) has died. Thankfully my IT friend lent me a laptop for my Mum to use, which is she is now letting me use, or I'd be sitting here with no outside world contact and unless I am on holiday not being connected to people can be hard - especially right now when I need to take my mind off all that is going on. My brother will kindly try to fix my laptop for me but I think it's well and truly kapput. It's a good job I back up daily or I'd have lost a lot of stuff - those of you who don't back up need to make sure you start doing so. Mind you, I have a macbook and most definitely won't be able to get another one so I'm not sure I'll be able to pull off all I've backed up and get it onto a pc, but I'm sure someone will now how to do so. Damn that glass of wine I was drinking. Now I know why I don't drink a lot.

The above paragraph was written yesterday. My brother has taken my laptop but we both believe it will not come back to life and as I currently write this my little kitty cat is still hanging on - I'm now thinking I really will have to make that vets appointment, although she still doesn't appear to be in any pain (I'd have made the call by now if she was). Personally I think it's myself and my Mum who are suffering; the cat is just plodding about drinking, peeing and sleeping. I have jumped every time the phone has gone at work today in case it's Mum calling to say she's finally given in (the cat that is, not my Mum) although I'd also like to think she wouldn't make that kind of call to me whilst I am at work and would wait until I get home. I'll tell you one thing though, it's certainly altered my opinion on the afterlife and whether our loved ones really are looking out for us.

I've questioned the whole "ghosts and haunting" scenario's many times - I've believed, not believed, wanted to believe, let myself hope that there is something but with all that is going on in my life right now I am having major doubts. I have a Dad, a best friend and a lover who have all passed; people I believed would look out for me from the other side (if such a thing was possible). I've not heard, experienced or caught a glimpse of any of them and if they were able to watch over me they'd have no doubt about what a hard time I have been having. They either can't (if there truly was an 'after world' the word "can't" would not exist in my Dad's vocabulary) or they have chosen not to help (again, I cannot imagine my Dad not being there for me right now). That leaves me with just one conclusion. The afterlife and all the people supposedly in it just doesn't exist. Death really is final, therefore, the 'Stonewall Theory' is no longer just a theory and our loved ones now only exist in our memories. There is no rainbow bridge, pearly gates or utopia. This is it. This life we are living is all there is. I hate that thought, idea, but it's the only logical thing I am left with. The only people looking out for me are the ones who are currently alive, and even then I've been disappointed to find how many of those live ones I thought cared, actually don't.

They say you learn who your friends are when times are tough. It would appear that's one thing which is true. Several of the people I've always considered friends or loved ones, who I have been there for during every single one of their times of needs, who I have helped out with money or my time. People I have messaged regularly just to check they are ok, to let them know they are not alone, I'm there for them whenever they need me, are the very people who haven't even bothered with me once. That makes me sound like an attention seeker; I'm really not. In fact opening up as I did the other day, sharing how I was feeling is a very, very rare thing for me. I didn't do it to garner attention but I will admit I was quite surprised that people I've never really considered to be that nice and would definitely not have considered calling a friend, have been the ones with the kindest words to me, yet the select few I thought might have just sent me a "I'm here if you need me" knowing I would never take them up on the offer as I deal with things on my own, are the very ones who I've not heard a single word from. Strangers who have come across me on the internet or via my blog entries have shown me immense kindness. You can bet your arse though that those 'friends' will be the ones knocking on my door whence next they want something from me. I guess when it comes to friends I've always made shit choices and I really am on my own. I always knew deep down I was a "loner"!! I'll still go out with people if I'm asked (and I like them) but I certainly won't make any effort with some. From now on I come first. These people have shown me how little I mean to them (I kind of knew that long ago though for nearly everyone I know will talk over me if I'm having a conversation with them - you don't do that to people you like or are interested in). I will never put anyone else before myself again (so I say now, but I'm really not sure I could be that person; I've never been that way, other's have always come first. That now has to change). It's funny because last week I was prepared to contact a friend who fell out with me a couple of years ago - she's the one who believed the lies she was having spouted at her about me. I'd made excuses for her behaviour because of how she had allowed herself to be manipulated and I genuinely miss having her in my life. This weekend though I realised that if anyone should be apologising it should be her. She's the one who doubted me as a friend, who believed the shit she was being told and who then publically slated me for something that I'd not even thought about doing (let alone having actually done it). No, if anyone should say sorry, it certainly isn't me.

As for where I go from here I'm not entirely sure. I know my sadness will pass, I know the sun will shine for me again, I know there will be dark days in the future. I know that some of what I am feeling is to do with grieving for my best friend (she's been gone over 5 years now) because she was always there for me when I needed her to be. I'd have been sat round her house most evenings last week talking it all through; she always listened, she never talked over me. She'd have made me several cups of tea (I say tea because she would have used a teabag - ish, but really she'd have made me a cup of water with milk; she really was scared to leave the teabag on it's own in the cup). It's times like this when I realise just how much I miss her and I'm sure some of my sadness is also because she's not here any more. That too will pass and show itself again at a later date, of that I have no doubt, for life really does go in circles. I've been lucky to have been at the top of the circle for as long as I have been and even though it's fucking hard being down the bottom again, I know the wheel will start to spin again (most likely sooner, rather than later) and I will find myself at the top. For now though I will try to channel all my negative energy into something positive. I will take myself away from social media (I'll still blog and tweet but will try to avoid fb - the place my so-called 'friends' live) and I'll get back to finding me, the real me. Maybe I'll even write the book I've been promising myself I'd for the past hundred years. It needed some proper darkness to make it work so what better time to add those chapters needed. See what I mean? No matter how negative life is and may feel, there is always a positive waiting on the horizon. 


No comments:

Post a Comment