Friday, 7 April 2017

I'm like an elephant

yes, in the way of being the same shape 😁 but today in the sense of "never forgetting"; ok, so that's not entirely true either for I have a brain like a sieve and can walk into a room for something forgetting the second I get there what I had going in there for. Today though the memories are flowing fast and free.

You see today is the 15th anniversary of the death of someone I was very close to - in fact the last time we spoke to each other he uttered the words "You do realise you and I will end up married one day, don't you?". I realised, and I knew; he was right or at least at the time I believed him to be right. Obviously that day we thought he still had a 'forever'. 

Ours was an odd relationship to people who didn't know us. We loved each other deeply but gave each other the space we both needed. It's hard to explain. I'm not a jealous person by nature, neither was he. We'd get together in the gaps between relationships then one of us would meet someone and we'd go back to being just friends until such time as we were both single again. Deep down I knew that he wasn't ready to take things to the next level. He wanted to prove himself worthy of me. It didn't matter to me, I'm not that kind of person, but it mattered to him so I had to let him work at making something of himself. We could never have had a 'proper' relationship if he hadn't and boy was he working on it when he died. He was so close to being ready, on the right pathway at last. He was in such a good place, which is why it's such a shame he never got to enjoy the rewards of his hard work for one night he went to bed, his whole life in front him, he closed his eyes and they've never opened again since. He was just 27 years old. 8 days later, on my 33rd birthday (yes, he was my 'toy boy 😁😁) I went to his funeral. 

It's an odd time for me this time of year. My best friend's death anniversary being the 26th March - just 10 days ago - my Grandad the day after, Louis today, My lovely nanny on Tuesday of next week and my beloved Dad on Thursday of next week. I get to take many trips down memory lane in this one 4 week period; thankfully these days the memories are all good ones. I can't allow the sadness and bad ones to seep through because I know if I started to they'd probably never stop. That doesn't mean I only remember the good stuff; I remember how grumpy my Dad could be, how broken Louis was when we first met, how my best friend made some really shit decisions that I didn't always agree with and that we fell out over a couple of times; that's all part of this crazy thing we call life though. I just don't allow myself to remember how badly I miss them all. I promised myself after my best friend that I would make each day count; I've tried hard to stick to that philosophy but there are days when life and situation doesn't allow it - many more days than I would like but as you all know I'm ever hopeful. Also, the way the world is right now I'm not sure how much longer any of us have left. It's a scary place out there; we all need to start making as many memories as we possibly can, while we can. How morbid did that sound then? 😁

Of course the world is a scary place; there are things going on right now that if we were to sit and think about for a while would terrify the crap out of us. It's another of the reasons I bit the bullet and started up the fund raising page. Life is too short for me to sit back and think about it. I had to get on and do it and sod what anyone else may think of me for doing so. People are free to judge all they like but I'm all about living life these days and if that means I have do to what I've done, then so be it 😁  If so many people I love dying taught me anything it taught me not to fear and to do whatever it takes (without hurting anyone) to get what I want. I owe it to those who never got the chance to grab each opportunity with both hands.





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