Tuesday, 14 March 2017

Who are you?

I talk to so many random people on a daily basis; some of them come into my shop to order things, some I see out in the streets, others message me on fb, twitter or catch up with me in a forum. Obviously different people get to see different sides to me (I don't give away private things on forums) or share too many details on social media. In the shop I behave differently to how I am at home. I have to be professional in my workplace, at home I can just be me. We all do it, no matter how much we may say we don't. I know so many people who will say "What you see is what you get; I'm me regardless". That is never true no matter how many times they say it. We all have different variations of ourselves. The main centre core might never change but the outer shell does. So when I got asked earlier "just who is the Real Sarah" I struggled to come up with an answer straight away because I am always real. Just because I put on a fake smile for customers I'd like to batter with a mallet doesn't mean I'm not still being me; I'm not pretending to be anyone else, I'm just doing what needs to be done to keep me out of jail. Just because I may not share certain aspects of my life with one set of friends doesn't mean I am any less real with them. It just means I don't want to share those parts of me. This could be because I don't think they would understand or they would be shocked (not that I really have anything that could be deemed as shocking, really, ish, well maybe the odd one or two things but the people who know those know because I trust them not to share). In essence there is nothing about me that someone somewhere doesn't know. Don't think it means I am keeping secrets, that's not the case, it's just that some of my friends think the whole "spiritual" parts of life are not real and laughable so there's no point talking to them about how I believe there is more to it. This means they don't get to see that part of me, not that I am keeping anything from them. If I don't share the same views as someone on issues (abortion, religion, prejudice) then I will keep my thoughts about such things to myself for I don't see the point in falling out with someone I may get on with really well just because we have different thoughts about things. I believe in "live and let live". As long as they don't ram their thoughts about something down the back of my throat or do anything that may hurt another person then our friendship will be what it is. 

So in essence to the question, "who are you?" I am me. The woman who was bullied at Infant School by what would now be deemed "The mean girls". One ringleader with 2 loyal followers and boy did they bully. I have an extra dimple on my cheek where one of them wrapped a house brick around the side of my head. I never once fought back and I have no idea why. In junior school they were just as bad. Because of this I went to a different senior (high school) to them, however those 3 were replaced by another 3. For 3 years (something about the number 3) those girls taunted me every single day - I didn't have designer clothes (my parents were not wealthy by any means and most of my clothes were handed down or from markets) I was overweight, I had boobs before they did, I got on better with boys than girls (I thought of the boys as friends but the girls thought I was trying to get them to be my boyfriends so would bully me for that). Then one day during the 3rd year the ringleader thought it would be funny to stick her foot out as I walked by her desk sending me flying. That was the last time she ever did anything like it to me again (or anyone else). If only I could have said the same for outside of school where one boy bullied me in a non-bully way (I know that sounds odd but he didn't push me about, hit me or physically abuse me). He would make up stories about me that he'd tell all his friends, things I would try to deny but never seem to be able to get through to people he was lying. He'd stand there, look me in the eye in front of people and tell the most blatant lie about me and he was so very convincing. He bullied me right up until 2 years ago when he finally pushed the wrong button and I cut him out of my life. It took him messing with the head of a mentally ill mutual friend for me to finally tell him to "go to hell". That time he told lies about me and and the other friends husband (completely false) but he is such a clever manipulator she believed him (she is the one with the mental health issues - I can't tell you how disgusted I am with him that he would do such a thing to such a vulnerable person but that's just the kind of despicable creature he is). What also got me was that the friends husband was at the time going through the worst experience of his life and was lower than he is likely to ever be again. Instead of showing him compassion the vile bully lied about him too. I'm sure if he'd not done what he did to those 2 I'd probably never have found the courage to walk away from him. I can't tell you what a difference it has made to my life not having him in it. I feel so much more empowered now than I ever did. It really has changed my life. Still drawing a positive from it he ended up with only the mutual friend left in his friends circle so really shot himself in the foot and it taught me how to deal with people like him and prepared me for the trolls I am likely to come across while I do all I can to raise the funds for my road trip. This same piece of shit also suggested that my first boyfriend had probably groomed me like some creepy pervert. 

He could not have been further from the truth on that. Yes I was underage the first time (I'm so sorry Mum if you're reading this!!! :) ) and he was 3 years older than me (there's that 3 again) but we'd known each other our whole lives. I think the amount of time we spent together it was inevitable that we would at some point end up together. Also, all of his previous girlfriends and the ones after me had been his age or older; had he been one of "those" guys that would not have been the case. I'm glad he was my first. Not because I loved him ( I really don't think I did back then which is bad) but because of our history, because I knew him so well. I knew he wasn't going to hurt me or make it unpleasant (and I was right :) - again, sorry Mum :) ). I'm not sure why we didn't end up together. I assumed it was because he knew I didn't love him the way I should have done but it could have been that maybe he didn't love me either (I also had an issue with one of his friends which I think may have contributed to it). Whatever happened we remained friends and even 8 years after we had split up and my Dad had his heart attack he came to the hospital to see him (and me) to make sure we were ok. I think he was at my Dad's funeral too although can't really remember. For years after he was my "go to guy" when I had car trouble too. The crazy thing is that at my age now I'd love to meet someone like him, someone with the same qualities but back then I found him to be (boring). He wanted different things from life than I did. Oddly the year we split happened to be the best of my life (so far). While he didn't rock my world in the way he should, one of his best friends did. Oh my how my heart skipped a beat when he was around, yet he was horrible really. Not a nice guy (as boyfriend material). I guess it's true what they say about good girls and bad boys. However, none of them ever made me feel the way a boy I was at school with did. While the bad boy made my heart sing and my boyfriend made me feel safe, the boy at school was everything I could have possibly wanted. He was a combination of all that was good in both of the others. I knew he never felt the same way about me, I'm sure he thought of me as "one of the lads" so I would treat him that way. I'd tell him about my escapades when not at school hanging out with the older boys. Part of me (the girlie part which didn't show itself that often) was hoping he'd get jealous, tell me he loved me, whisk me off my feet and we'd spend the rest of our lives together (yes, sometimes I do believe in fairy tales). It never happened; he had a thing for another girl at school and would talk to me about her all the time. That didn't matter to me though for I got to sit next to him in some lessons (which were in fact my favourite ones!!!) and those moments spent with him helped make school bearable (I hated the place). It was funny because a few years ago he tracked me down on facebook and when I looked at his profile I was his first facebook friend. I got a really warm fuzzy feeling that day as all the old feelings and memories flooded back. Then I saw he was married, happily, with kids and I sank a little bit. I'm a strong believer in fate though which means me and him were obviously never meant to be. I do take heart from knowing he found me though and added me. I actually dreamt about him last night too - talk about timing!! The last time I saw him was the last day of school 31 years ago yet the thought of him can still make me smile :) 

As a teenager I drifted really not knowing where I was going or what I wanted from life. I was lucky to land a couple of great jobs but the only thing I'd ever really aspired to be was a full time Mum and housewife. Life had other plans for me, children and a husband never came to be. Boys/men came and went too. One I actually caught sleeping with a good friend, another slept with my then best friend while I was climbing mountains in wales - she also made a move on another guy I was hoping to get see if we could make a go of things with. Another friend made a move on a nice guy I'd said I liked even though she'd told me she thought he was a twat. She then almost slept with another friend of ours while engaged to the nice guy; I stopped her by nabbing him myself - I never wanted him, he never me. I did hear a while ago that they got together and had an affair while she was married, but I'm not sure how true that is. I had some flings, some fun and made it through to my 20's without any major life incidents. During those late teens I also learned how to properly drink. The guy who taught me is truly the one person in this world I love with every fibre of my being (but not in a sexual I want to be with him way). He is the big brother I never had and has been a constant throughout my life. I know if I needed him and he was the other side of the world he would find a way to get to me. I'd never ask him to do that but I know he would. The bond I have with him will never be broken - believe me when I tell you several people have tried, including the vile bully I was talking about earlier. 

At 22 I met the man who would shape the rest of my life - not necessarily such a good thing, although from my relationship with him I met my best friend (the one who died 5 years ago this month) and got to share in her amazing children (the ones I refer to as my nieces and nephews - had I married the shit they would have been officially so it always stuck). He was a bad one from the word go; I should have listened to my Mum, she warned me about him but my Dad was dying and I needed someone (I loved my Dad so very much and was your a-typical "Daddies Girl" - his death left a massive hole that will never be filled).  I got swept off my feet by my then boyfriend (who became my fiance) only for it all to come crashing down when he got a schoolgirl pregnant (now he was a groomer - he was 27 she'd just turned 16 and the whole thing made me sick to my stomach). He also stitched me up and left me £10k in debt (that I knew nothing about). I've hated him ever since. He is the reason I had to move back in with my Mum (I had no money) and the reason I still have no money for the more I tried to get out of debt the deeper into it I got. I certainly learned my lesson in the hardest way. 

After him came Louis. I loved that man, but again, not enough. One of the last things he ever said to me was "you do know we'll end up married one day, don't you?". It's not something I had ever seen in my future or envisioned but had he lived I believe he may have been right about that. Sadly his death put an end to any plans we might have made. We had an odd relationship in that over the course of 7 years he had 2 kids with other women and  I moved in with a guy for a year - that never worked out and cost me even more money I never had too). 

Since Louis (who died 15 years ago next month - April) there has been nobody else. A casual fling now and then with a guy who lives about an hour away (over the course of several years) but it was never going to be anything serious and there were no feelings involved. I saw him last just before I opened the shop I am in now, so sometime in June 2009. Most days I don't have the inclination to get out and meet someone (I think I was always destined to be a childless spinster) but some days I wish that things had worked out with at least one of them or that I might have found a man who would love me for who I am. Alas, that has not been brought to fruition and I wonder if it ever really will.

Between work and lack of  money I spend a lot of time indoors watching TV - I have taught myself to crochet this year so am not just sat there doing nothing any more. 

I am a dreamer who always tries to find the good in people and believes that things will always work out how I want them too - even though so many things haven't. Rather than dwell on those though I look at the ones which have worked out so I guess in part I am an optimist - although I do have a lot of pessimism within me. I love my Mum and little brother, and will be devastated when my cat and dog pass on from this world (at the time of writing my cat is just about to turn 20, my dog will be 10 in July). The few friends I do have left in my life I think the world of and would love to see them more but life (theirs more than mine) do not allow at this point in time. 

I love my job, my little shop and will be eternally grateful to the friend who made it all possible (even though I moan at him on a near daily basis about something :) ). I've lived a quiet life, done some things I'm not proud of, allowed things to happen that I could possibly have taken control of, but have laughed often which is never a bad thing.  I enjoy nature - skies, sunsets, clouds, mountains, forests, the simple things in life make me the happiest. 

I have no regrets in my life - as such. I do wish I'd got rid of a few people earlier and told others how I feel but I strongly believe that doing so would not have made a jot of difference. Life is what it is and I don't think we really have any control over it for the most part. Besides, everything that has happened to me (good and bad) has made me the person I am today and while I may not like certain things about my body, I do like the person I have become. I hope one day a nice enough man will see passed the layers and like what is on the inside too. One who'd like to travel to America with me would be even better :) 

What do you mean you're still none the wiser about who I am?? Hahaha. Maybe you need to stick with me and my blogs then to see if you can find out what you want to know :) 

Oh, I forgot to mention. I'd like to write a "best seller" book :) 




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