Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Being Me

Firstly, some of you who read this on a regular basis will have noticed the domain address has changed - sorry if you had me bookmarked :) I realised that while I may be sharing my days, thoughts and ideas with you all talking about how upfront I am, I was also hiding behind the domain name. Yes, it was a much better way of the little bot things that pick up web addresses and would have been easier to find from random google searches - I'm sure many people out there will google "fund my holiday" at which point they would have come across all my twaddle, but it wasn't me. I'm here doing all this asking people to share their hard earned money with me, yet I wasn't giving you all me, so I changed the name; it's now me in all my glory. You'll get the good, the bad, the downright ugly. The happy, the sad and the miserable. It also means once I have raised the funds needed I don't need to delete the whole thing; I can just continue on my merry way as I did before.

Some of you reading this, who have read my previous posts, who may have come across me on facebook or twitter, or who follow me on instagram or tumblr won't actually like me; that's fine, for I am sure I wouldn't like some of you either. You won't like why I am here, what I am doing or how I am asking for random strangers to help me pay for a holiday. That is fine, you are more than entitled to your opinion and thoughts. Please be aware though that trolling me because you don't agree (like me) will have no bearing on my life whatsoever. One of my closest friends (or so I thought) has had nothing to do with me since I set it all up. She thinks it's disgusting of me to do such a thing (the irony being she is the one who gave a band she'd never heard of £100 to help them make an album for which she won't even receive a free download of said album - I know, go figure). I'm sure most of my family would find it deplorable that I am here asking, other friends will think I am wrong to do so (they are the ones who can afford 3 or 4 luxury holidays per year). I'd like to say what they think doesn't matter - that would be a lie. Of course what people think of me (people who know me that is) has an impact on my life. Their opinion of me matters, but it is just that, their opinion. I've not added any of them to my facebook page because I don't want them on there. They are on my personal page and while I have a personal page that I share with you all, I've not allowed them to be friends with me on there because I like being me. Does that sound weird?

Surely I am me on my proper facebook page, aren't I? Well "no" I'm not. I am the person the people who are friends with me think I should be. I act how they feel I should act, I say what they would expect of me. I have different groups set up on there and at times I want to share something but worry another person may not like it, may be offended by it, so I stop them from seeing certain status updates. Some people on there aren't really friends, they are mere acquaintances who have added me because they know me through the shop. Me at work and me at home are 2 totally different people so I don't want work people to see that personal side of me - even though it's never really the true me anyway. I do come from quite judgemental stock, was brought up to behave in a certain way, to believe (or not) in certain things. I have some pretty random beliefs about life (I love crystals, tarot cards, magick) yet my friends (and quite a few of my family) would mock me for such things, try to tell me it's silly and not real, sit me down and explain stuff to me as though I am stupid for having such beliefs, so when around them I act in a way they expect of me. Here though, on these pages, I can be me, 100%. I am well aware those very people who hold me down in my every day existence can come across all these pages, read what I am saying, and that's fine if they do. Everything I do is public so it's not as if I am trying to hide from them, I just don't need to rub it in their faces. I don't want to have to deal with their judgement of me. I know I should just be me regardless - at the end of the day their approval of me is neither sought nor is it needed, but I think when you've spent your whole life being repressed (which in a way I have - being told what I believed in was silly nonsense is a form of repression) it's easier to just give people what they expect. I guess I'm a bit of a lemming in that way. 

Here, on these pages it's a different story. Here I am me, the whole me, warts and all. I'm not afraid to ask strangers for help, not scared to put  myself out there to be knocked, bashed, ridiculed and trolled - oh my there are many, many, many trolls out there. Yet those very beings (the negative nellies) matter not one jot. They have no bearing, nor do they make any impact on my life whatsoever. The difference I have noticed in myself, my own well being, since I started down this route has amazed me. I never thought I would ever ask anyone for help, let alone for money so that I could get out and enjoy myself. I have always been stubborn, paid my own way with everything - paid for everyone else too - yet to find myself not only asking once but continuously is really quite liberating. To sit here and talk in my way, the way I truly am, not the way I am expected to be is strange and refreshing all at the same time. I don't have to explain myself to any of you (although that's still exactly what I find myself doing - old habits do linger :~) ) yet I guess in explaining myself I am letting you all see the real me. I'm exposing my vulnerability and that's something I have not done for a really long time mainly because each time I have done so in the past I've ended up having someone use or abuse me. This time though is different. I have nothing they can take and am offering nothing. This time I'm allowing you - a potential donor - the chance to see the real me because I am asking you for something. You will get nothing from me in return - except maybe a post card if you give me your address :) and of course knowing you have helped someone to achieve a dream. To me that would be enough reward in itself. I'd like to think throughout the course of my life I've helped someone to achieve a dream; what a great legacy that would be.

I've also found a confidence I didn't even know existed within me and that can never be a bad thing. Thankfully I think there is still too much of the me that is expected by others for this me to become arrogant; I hope if I ever do one of you will point it out to me, set me straight, for an arrogant person is never truly a nice person and no matter how hard I try not to be at times, deep down I am and always will be a nice person - at least I hope I am/will :)

As I've said above once I have the funds needed - notice how positive I am that I will raise all I need? - I will be keeping this blog going. It would be lovely if you stayed with me; I enjoy having your around. I'll also be updating and sharing via all the social media platforms, as well as sharing my diary once I return from the trip so you can know what it was like - if I enjoyed it or not!! I never keep a diary at any other time but when away; I wrote one back in 1996 when I did the west coast with my Mum - I really should translate it onto the internet somewhere - then in 2012 I did the same when I went to France with the friend I plan on taking with me (that was an eye opener for sure and almost put me off ever traveling with him again). I kept one also when I did my flying visit to the US in 2014 - the trip that has made this fund raising effort even more important for it gave me a taster and showed me just how badly I want to be out there exploring and experiencing. I didn't get the chance then; I will this time.  I'll  also keep all the other social media bits for they can be used for other things - nicknames etc, can be changed on there and they aren't a lie in any way. They are me, the real me, the me I wish I could be every day. Maybe keeping them will help me to continue along this new path, this positive path. Maybe some of you will even continue with me, joining me for the ride. I'd like that for some of you have been so lovely with your comments and suggestions - of course some of you have not also!!! 




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