Thursday, 3 November 2016

When faced with one's own mortality

Many times over the years I've had time to pause and think about life - occasionally love and the universe figure too!  I've considered my own mortality often (as I guess we all do to a point) but it wasn't until this week that I realised one day I really won't be here any more; one day it will all be over. I'm hoping it's not going to happen for many, many, many years (I have set myself the goal of reaching 96 and I believe that's more than doable) yet it's not stopped me from thinking about how I would feel if it all ended tomorrow? 

Pissed off, I'd definitely be pissed off if it was to end tomorrow for there are still many things I want to do with my life - obviously going back to the States on a re-visit to the places I saw a few back is top of my bucket list (visiting the remaining ones I've not been to a close second, as well as visiting family over there).  I don't want to sit on my cloud and think about how I desperately only ever really wanted to visit the states. To not be able to do so would make me most unhappy. You can help make that wish come true - all you need to do is click HERE and make a donation :) 

I also don't want to sit on that cloud and say to myself (look away now if you are family!!!! look AWAY)... "shit, was that waste of space really the last person I was intimate with?". Dear Life, please don't make it so. I've been a good girl (most of the time). I deserve so much better than that. 

After my Dad died I realised people don't live forever, that even the strongest people are not immortal and so I made a point to live each day, make each moment count and always tell people how I feel about them (whether that be good or bad). I told myself I'd never let anyone use or abuse me, would never let anyone put me down or make me feel bad about myself. On those things, I failed - BIG TIME - although I do tend to tell the people I love that I love them (kind of). It was so easy to fall back into the person I'd always been though, to let those people use and abuse. To tell myself I had plenty of time, or that people knew how I felt about them, how they'd made me feel (whether good or bad). Life pootled on and I went with the flow. 

Then Louis died. That one knocked me for 6. He'd never make 30. One evening he was on the phone to me, the next morning I was getting a call to say he was no more. There one minute, gone the very next. Again it made me think about life, how we never know when that angel of death may come calling for us. Again I promised myself to make sure I lived my life - all of the above things I'd told myself after my Dad. 

Yet again, I fell easily back into the life I'd had before, going with the flow wiht one slight difference. I began to tell those good people in my life how I feel about them - often. Poor Jase, I'll never forget how he reacted when I told him I loved him, and I really do. Not in a "love" him sense, but I love that man to bits. He drives me crazy, is a total pain in the arse, makes me want to slap him about the head (really hard) often but I wouldn't be without him in my life. He's been there for me this year like no other has been. I only wish I could do more for him right now, take away some of the hurt and pain he's going through. He's hurting so bad and there is not a thing I can say or do to make it any better. No amount of words, hugs or love is going to bring his Mum back. I guess all I can do is be there for him as he goes through this tough phase - he knows I'll always be there, and I really will. 

Then Donna. If my Dad and Lou had shaken me up, Donna dying just about destroyed me. If it could happen to her, it could happen to me. At any time. Now, in my defense since she passed I have made more of an effort to get out and enjoy life (sadly being poor does restrict a lot of activities I'd love to be doing). I do try to seize every chance at a day/evening out, spending time with people I love, doing things that I enjoy. Even so, it wasn't until I found that lump in my boobie on Sunday that I really faced up to my own mortality - I now have 9 in that one boob so am thinking that's it's definitely something odd but I don't think it's as life destroying as I thought on Monday. In fact I think it's most likely to be connected to the menopause crap now. That doesn't mean if they are all still there by the end of the 4 weeks the doctor told me to give I won't be getting it checked out again. I'm sure cancerous lumps don't just appear over-night as the lumps I have seem to be doing so but I'm not a medical expert and have no clue on how/where or why they are appearing  - I just keep telling myself to trust my doctor's judgement and hope that it's something minor and annoying and not sinister or life threatening.

Anyway, back to the whole mortality part. All week I've been thinking about someone (yes, a man). I've not seen him in 20 years but thinking about him this week I realised there are things I never said to him back in the day. Things that are of no consequence in the grand scheme of things but they are things I wanted him to know. He needed to know how his actions affected me - still affect me. Telling him won't make an ounce of difference to either of our lives except that I will have finally got it off my chest. I doubt in all that time he's even given me a second thought and that's fine. Life moved on. We moved on, built new lives (I believe his has fared much better than mine!!! :) ) 

It was thinking about him though that then got me to thinking about other people who have been in my life. People who may have done me a favour that I never really thanked them for. People who have made a difference in my life that probably don't even know how grateful I am to them. These are people who were part of my life growing up, who I then drifted apart from (as you do). I have no doubt whatsoever I don't need to thank them for anything, for the won't have thought about what they did/were doing; it would have just been something they did. We all things for others without thinking that may mean nothing to us, but can mean so much to them. I know just yesterday Jase thanked me for being there for him this week. He never needed to do such a thing. He's my friend, he's hurting, he's going through the toughest time of his life. I wouldn't not be there for him. That's what friends do, that's why we're friends. To those people who were there for me though it was nothing it was just what they did; to me it was everything. These people need to know. I can't sit on my cloud and think to myself "Sarah, you should have told them". Now, whether I choose to tell them directly, via text, email, facebook, or if I just write a letter that never gets posted, I'm not sure just yet but somehow or another they will know.  By the time I depart this mortal coil everyone (good and bad) will know how their behaviour has affected me. Some of them probably won't like what I have to say. Others' will think I've finally lost the plot, and one can never really be contacted directly. I'll still write him a letter none-the-less. Maybe when I'm 96 and pop my clogs he might still be alive and about to celebrate his 99th birthday. I'll get someone to send it on to him then!!! I'm not telling him to leave his perfect wife and life for me (not my style at all) but I do have things I want to say that should not be said to a man who is married. I have more respect for his wife (who I have never met and know nothing about) to do such thing. He's happily married and while I would never turn him away if he knocked on my door told me he'd left his wife and it was me he wanted all along (oh sooooo many times I have dreamed of that moment ;) ) I would never be cruel enough to send it to him all the time they are together.  Not that I believe he would suddenly come running (again, I've dreamed that also) but because I know how I'd feel if a woman contacted my man saying the things I'd like to say to him.. hahahahahaha. Of course if my thinking it or putting it out there was to send some huge shock-waves through the ether than so-be-it :) Maybe she could run off with another guy?? That would be good. Then I'd tell him.. hahaha. Oh my goodness; I'm a vulture circling, just waiting for the right time to pick off that piece of meat :) :) Not that I think I need to tell him. In all honesty I think he's known for as long as I have. He just never felt the same way. Not gonna stop me though. He'll still get a letter and not necessarily the kind you are all now thinking. He may be my one true love (now I 'm having a 'Shrek' moment) but he was also a complete and utter arsehole at times. I certainly don't have rose-tinted glasses on.

The only people who won't get a letter written are the ones that have been there as a constant in my life. The ones who I tell on a regular basis how much I love them and what they mean to me. Numbers 1, 2 and 3, David, Jason, Chris, my family - they all know.  The old friend though, the one who did more for me than he could have known he was doing - he doesn't know; he deserves to know what a great person he. The 'friend' you know, the one I believed to be a friend who turned out to be nothing more than a using 2 faced lying piece of shit? She needs to know. Whether they get told now or after I reach 96 remains to be seen, but one things for sure. I had a wake-up call on Monday (and let's face it I'm still not 100% it's nothing sinister). I'm going to damn well make sure I actually wake-up. I'm going to smell that coffee, I'm going to make those changes and from this moment on everyone who is kind will know I am grateful to have them in my life; those who are tncu's will also know they are no longer welcome. For the next 50 years it truly is All About Me. 


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