Wednesday, 2 November 2016

Absolutely terrified

Oh my; what a week. 

There have been a few things occur since my last entry.

On Wednesday last week I noticed I had a lump appear on my stomach. By the time I went to bed that night I had 2. I thought them a bit odd, but told myself they were too high and close to the skin to be attached to any vital organs (a google search reiterated this fact also - most odd for google as it normally suggests someone with something trivial like a cut finger is about to die). Thursday those 2 had grown to 3 - all very odd, yet still nothing that I was concerned about.

Then came Sunday and I found a lump on my left breast. I don't think I've ever felt such a fear in my life, all the while the logical part of my brain was telling me "it's nothing to be worrying about". I made the decision to leave it a week just to see if it went on it's own. Then I made the silly mistake of mentioning it to my Mum, who told my brother, who told me to "get it sorted". They were right of course (not that I'd ever tell them so). 

Monday morning I rang my GP surgery expecting to be told to ring back the next day, where a game of cat and mouse would begin between us until I reached the point of exasperation. When I was able to get thought right away and then get an appointment for later on that day, the paranoid version of myself screamed "oh my god, you have cancer, you're going to die" while the logical part said "wow, how lucky to get through so easily". 

I'm still (48 hours later) still trying to decide if she thought I was wasting her time or not, but she checked out the lump on my breast, and one of the ones on my stomach telling me she thought it was nothing to worry about, they were small enough that if there did turn out to be a problem it would be caught in time, and asking if I had any more. At that point I answered "no" because I didn't. I walked away with her telling me to give it a month, keep an eye on it and if it's got bigger, changed shape, or I get any more symptoms to ring her and she'll get me an appointment at the breast clinic to get it checked.  Ok, so far so good. Then came last night, when I found another lump in the same left breast and what feels like it could be one under my arm (not sure on that and it could have just been me being paranoid). This morning there is definitely another lump in the breast though but one of the ones on my stomach appears to have gone down. It's all most odd and whereas Sunday I was thinking the unthinkable, today I am more intrigued than scared as I am wondering if the lumps are all in some way connected? It is weird how they all appeared within a week of each other, are all about the same size and although they don't hurt, once I've had a prod they tend to sting/throb for a while. I'm almost certain that if they were sinister they wouldn't just appear overnight, but I am no medical expert so will do as I was told, wait out the month and then see where I stand.

One thing this has taught me (well, reminded me) is that life really is way too short. What if the lump had been cancerous? How long could I have expected to still be here? 1 year? 5 years? It's made me more determined than ever to now get this fundraising sorted. I don't want to wait for something sinister to happen to me, therefore garnering help because people feel sorry for me. I want to do it while I am still in my prime - the sooner, the better. 

The other thing to happen was the Mum of the friend I want to take away with me lost her own battle with cancer on Saturday morning - she was just 65 and still had many things she wanted to do with her life. I don't want to be her at that age, wishing I'd done more. That's why I will keep this up, will promote as hard as I can and will hold on to hope that someone out there will kick-start it all off for me. 


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