Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Conspiracies, Bigotries and Fear

The title for this post sounds a bit deep, doesn't it? I think that's because it might well turn out to be. That was never the plan for today, however, after hearing several things on the news this morning, and seeing quite a few different "conspiracy theory" things floating around my Facebook wall that many different friends have shared, I came to the conclusion I'd use it for today's waffle. 

I'm quite a strong believer in the 2 rules of not discussing politics and religion with people. Occasionally, friends and I will find ourselves stumbling into such conversations, some of which have been known to get heated at times; thankfully, being friends means we are finally able to end the conversation agreeing to disagree. For the most part though, I try to avoid such things because I strongly believe we are all entitled to our 'own opinion'. Just because I might believe/not believe in something, doesn't mean I am any more right than someone with an opposing view; it just means we are different. I am not religious, in any way, shape or form, yet that doesn't mean I don't have friends who are (some of them deeply). Just because I don't believe doesn't mean I have the right to tell them they are wrong to, any more than they have the right to tell me I am wrong not to. If believing in a god (whichever one it is) helps them to get through their life, brings them comfort in times of sorrow, or joy in happy times, then what right do I have to tell them they 'are wrong'. So many issues in this world come about due to differing beliefs, in fact I think most wars have been fought over religion. I find this so odd when people I have spoken to from all corners of the religious scale - christians, catholics, muslim, jew, scientologists, pagans (and many others) all tell me their books and/or gods teach them about love and respect, not just for the earth, but for each other as well. For wars to be fought because of religion then seems totally crazy to me, for it is surely going against everything their specific god has set forth for them? Now, that's a subject we could spend the rest of our lives discussing, and still never come up with an answer to suit everyone. That is the thing about belief. You could be reading this right now whilst screaming at your screen that I am wrong, but am I? What gives you the right to tell me that? I've said I don't understand religion, that doesn't mean I don't respect your right to believe in it. The world would be such a nicer place if we all just learned to respect that we are not all the same. 

This leads me on to the "conspiracy theorists". I never knew until this morning I knew so many :) I've seen everything so far today, ranging from Princess Diana being murdered (she's been in our news for the past few weeks as it's coming up to the 20th anniversary of her death). Then the police investigating the disappearance of Madeleine McCann have asked for more money to follow up another lead (how, after 10 years they are only just now finding new leads is beyond me, but if it brings a closure to the case then of course they have to). I have an opinion on both of these stories; I have thoughts and feelings about them. I can guarantee they will be different to some of yours. I'm not prepared to share on the McCann story (I've seen way-too-many people fall out over it) but the Princess Diana one I will share with you. I do not, that's do not, believe she was murdered. I don't think there was any possible way they could have pulled off the accident. I won't deny that maybe they had a plan to 'bump-her-off' at some point, but her accident was just that - an accident. As to the story floating around that she is still alive! I'm going to say I think not, however, I wasn't there and there are stories that she'd said she wanted to retire from public life and live in obscurity, so maybe, just maybe, there is a chance she did survive and saw it as her chance to get-away-from-it-all. That's something we shall never know; her accident though, was, as I've said above, just an accident.

9/11, Aliens at Area 51, The Moon Landings, JFK's assassination, Chemtrails (or as I like to call them, Entrails) Lord Lucan, Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, MH17, Global Warming - the list is endless. You name it and there's most likely a conspiracy attached to it. I have thoughts and opinions on them all, as I'm sure most of us do. Some afternoons/evenings when I find myself at a loose end I'll go off in search of information on them - from both sides; those who believe, those who don't. It can make for entertaining reading. Often I'll think to myself "ooh, now they make a good point", occasionally I'll think "really, where are you actually coming from with that thought" but mostly I think "we're never going to be able to prove/disprove one-way-or-the-other"; that's how they are able to keep a conspiracy going. Evidence can be provided, but if you don't believe that evidence then you could say "it's fabricated" so we really are never going to be able to prove one way or the other. Except for the latest one; Flat Earth. I'm not going to knock you for believing the earth is flat, because that is your choice and your belief, but there is truly not one shred of evidence to back up the theory the earth is flat, although I guess until such time as I fall off it, I'm not really going to know! I do (that's right, I'm telling you one I do believe) that JFK was not killed by Oswald (not entirely by himself, at least). Whether it was the CIA, Mafia or Russian Mob, I have no clue, I just don't believe the story that Oswald was the "lone killer". 

The other thing big in the news is all the racial/prejudice and bigoted tension which is building (and rearing it's ugly face) in America, right now. Over here (in the UK) we like to believe that rascism on the scale which has been shown no longer exists; this has blown up the minds of quite a few on this side of the pond who still live in lovely little bubbles. I have spent time in the US, and have a friend who is Native American; the level of racial abuse he has been subjected to on a daily basis is more than shocking and because he's not black, he can't claim racial discrimination against him - that's even worse I think, to know he is not even thought of as worthy of being able to complain, but that's America. It's not going to get better either with Trump in charge (there, I've finally said it). I can understand why people voted for him (it really was the lesser-of-two-evils) yet he is doing his country no favours; none whatsoever. But, I don't want to talk about him; that's not what this post is meant to be about, although it does lead me on nicely to the "fear" part of my title. I truly believe people who are prejudice in anyway - whether that be to people of colour, race, sexual orientation, or any other of the thousands of reasons people are abused for being "different" (that in itself is wrong) - is nothing more than fear. Nobody is born prejudice, it is something we learn from our peers or grow into due to our surroundings. A child may become a racist because it fears it's prejudice parents reaction if it was to stand up and say "This is wrong". I believe many homophobe's are in fact gay themselves, they're just too afraid to admit it - again, fear. There are some who are pathetic enough to believe every gay person is going to hit on them, thus creating a prejudice. Again, fear (and a lot of ignorance - you find the 2 normally run hand-in-hand). The white settlers feared the Native people, going out of their way to annihilate them, rather than working alongside and learning from them; their fear though was that they would not be able to take the chunks of land they wanted for themselves (so into play comes greed, with fear still being the over-riding factor). This same fear is what was cast upon the people of colour living on lands the white people wanted to take. Again, rather than assimilate and work alongside, they decided to destroy; just because you have more power does not mean you have to use it. I actually pity anyone who holds within them a prejudice towards another; what an awful world they must live in when they are so full of fear. These people have bullied their way through life, and all a bully truly is, is a scared little creature who deserves nothing more in their life than to be pitied - and let's face it, none of us ever wants to be pitied. No, bullies, racists, those who hold prejudice are nothing but cowards. I can only imagine the world we would live in if we were to fear the cowards themselves; thank goodness we're not all like them. 

Oops; I spent the morning working through this post before I sat down to write it, and have done none of what I planned (nothing new there). Mind you, that's not a bad thing. The whole point when I started this blog was transparency and honesty, about who I am, what I believe in and why I am here. Some of you won't like it and that's fine; I accept we are all different, I'm not everyone's cup-of-tea. There will be some of you that despise me; that's fine too. There will also be some of you who agree with me. Each and every single one of you is welcome; agreers and non-agreers. It takes all sorts to make the world go around :) 

In accordance with such honesty, today's "selfie" is snapchat (and any other) filter free.... eeek.

Tuesday, 22 August 2017


You know when you sit down to write a load of crap, which some people may read, other's may not? Do you all know that feeling? If you don't then let me elaborate 😂 Sometimes, people like me will sit at a computer and tap away on a keyboard a load of letters which join up to create total and utter crap - I do it, often!!! 

Normally, I have an idea in my head of what I am going to ramble about, how I'm going to lay out the ramble, and what I am going to put in the "Post Heading" bit; today however, I sat here and thought to myself "I haven't got a clue what to put". That's how it's titled "superb" and actually, that kind of fits, because life right now is really quite "superb".😂 

Don't go getting too excited; I'm not off on my travels (not yet at least, although I have a sneaky feeling it won't be long). I've just realised I'm in a really good place in my life. Maybe it had something to do with the 'Dark Moon' we're experiencing, and the eclipse that 14 states of America (including States on my planned Road Trip) experienced - did any of you get to see it first-hand? I watched it on TV but have been lucky enough in my life to have experienced 2 full solar and a couple of lunar eclipses too. Whatever it was I'm glad it happened because I love feeling how I'm feeling right now. I've not felt this confident, happy and content since I was a teenager. 😂 😂 

Maybe, it's because I have a weekend away this coming weekend. The annual "camping trip". It's weird because I really enjoy them and like the friends I go with, but sometimes I don't like them at the same time. Not so much not liking them, it's just there are certain things I'm not over-keen on. However, it will be a cracking weekend with some laughter, way too much food and definitely more alcohol than is good for any of us :) One particular friend can't make the whole weekend (originally he wasn't coming at all) so he'll only be there Friday with us (going back Saturday) but that's better than nothing for I get on really well with him. A friend of my friends wife is also coming - she joined us last year - and me and her get on brilliantly; she literally had me crying with laughter last year. 😂 😂 This weekend is all geared up for the Hawaiian Night. Now that should be fun. Not sure I really have the body for a grass skirt, but I'm not going to let that stop me. I've also made myself a bikini top out of coconuts 😂 😂😂 😂😂 😂 Do not be silly; I am not just wearing a bikini and grass skirt. I have a t-shirt to put on under the bikini top and a pair of leggings under the skirt. Maybe if I was still a teenager then it would be a different story, but I am not, and I do not have the figure for such things any more. One day, maybe 😂 😂 I have no doubt I shall share a photograph, or 2. 

Ooh, ooh. My friend - the grumpy one - the one I've been on holiday with in recent years. I may not get the chance to go away with him again, so won't have to make excuses as to why I don't want to go, for he has now got himself a girlfriend. He promised me a few months back when the time came and he got with someone else he'd not just drop me like he has every single other time in the past; however, it's now been nearly 4 weeks and it would appear I have (in fact) been dumped. I know what it's like when relationships are new; it's so easy to get caught up in it all, to forget the people who have been there for you when you had nobody else!! He told me she's "cool with us" but I'm not convinced. His previous ones have said similar, to then go and grow an issue with me. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about, if I'm honest. As much as he annoys me, he is the only person I have in my life I can call out to 'get-out-and-about' if I feel the need to go out to play. Still, I knew sooner-or-later it had to happen. The joys of being the 'single one' ... hahahaha - for now!!! 

Yes, that's correct - above is another snapchat photo :)  I've actually spent most of my day on it chatting with an ex. We've had quite a laugh with each other, trying to see who can share the most hideous picture. Of course, he was better at it, than I 😂 😂 😂  I love the little cute raccoon thing in the one they've added today; just not sure about the glasses which give you a kind of 'Elvis' feel 😂 😂 I got all excited earlier and thought I was able to add it to the little chromebook I use at work - would have made life a lot easier, but alas I cannot; well, not unless I want to add it as a chrome extension and allow the app to view ALL my web activity and change it to boot - I don't think so. Shame though as I like to watch movies on my phone while I work which means I have to stop every single time someone sends me a snap - oh, the inconvenience of modern life 😂 😂 😂😂 😂 😂😂 😂 😂  I know I'm way too old to be using it but it is such fun. I sent a video to my ex just now and he's just come back with "hahahahah you prick... I've just scalded my balls where I spilt my coffee"  Yep; that's what snapchat was invented for 😂 😂 😂😂 😂 😂  If you've got it, feel free to "add me" SarahBradbury99  - be aware though, sending me pics of your bits will get you reported and blocked; I have no interest in seeing the parts of your body which protrude.

I'd really like to use Instagram on my little chromebook too but that's another one which is phone only. Damn you app makers; sort it out 😂 😂 😂

Thursday, 17 August 2017


Snowflakes; not the lovely white ones that fall out of the sky each winter; the ones I hope for, which rarely come for a visit, and if they do, they don't last long. No, definitely not those ones. The ones I'm talking about live among us, walk among us, some of them even talk to us; the Human Snowflake. The ones who take the slightest thing said (often in jest, although sometimes not) and they then twist it around to make into something completely different that can then be deemed "offensive"; either to themselves, or to others. Some of them even get offended, just-for-the-sake-of-it!

I've dealt with a few of these over the years; they are 'nothing' creatures who basically need to get a life. I wouldn't normally discuss them or give them the time of day (they do tend to be quite narcissistic also) however, a one has appeared, read my blog entries, and taken offence at a few things I've said (I've also been accused of being sneaky in my attempts to conceal my identity) so, I thought I should address the issue. Although really I should just say "Suck it up, Buttercup" and move on!

Identity:- hmmmm... not entirely sure how I am concealing it for I am using my own name on this; the web address of kind of gives the game away; my name is Sarah Bradbury, I am 'me' and I live in the UK (who would have figured?!) My Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+ all have my name; Sarah Bradbury (if you want to find me on any of them there are links on the right hand side a bit further up the page →→→→→ ↑↑↑↑↑

That/they are me, who I am. The name given is the name I was born into and registered with. Not sure how that means I am being concealed. My blogs are free for anyone (in any part of the world) to read - you don't need to login to anything, you don't need a password, you don't need to be sent a specific link to access them; they are out there for the world to find (that's the whole point of having them in the first place - I want them found, I want them read, I want that "one person" to click on one of the "Fund me" links and send me on my way - I can't really do that if I'm hiding my identity).  The "selfies" I've posted have been of myself, that's why they are called "selfies". If I was concealing anything about myself, surely I would avoid any photo that has me included? There really are some pretty stupid people in this world. 

*Sorry about some of the bold words - it appears either those, or 'caps', are the only way to get through to the Snowflake Generation; it helps them feel what they have to say is "more important" when they use them, and when you're trying to get a message across to them it's easier to do a like-for-like.*

That is all I have to say on the matter, other than this:- If you are someone who has been offended by something you have read on any of my blog entries, please see the image below. It explains my thoughts and sentiments at your being insulted/offended far better than I could.

Back in the real world, where the only snowflakes we need to be dealing with are the lovely white pretty shaped ones - they really are quite spectacular shapes too, aren't they? Of course, I like them much better when millions of them have joined up together to create a lovely thick blanket which covers the earth beneath my feet. I'll admit, it's not nice to drive in it (over here especially as we're never prepared for it) and it's awful when it turns to ice (I'm not good at staying upright on a dry day, so you can only imagine how dangerous ice can be for me 😁😁😂) yet even though it's dangerous for me to be out and about in it, I still can't help but love it. I'm sure I would feel slightly different about it if I was living with my cousins on the east coast of the USA. They've shared photo's with me sometimes and the drifts have been double the height of me (although I'd love it to begin with 😁😁 I expect after a couple of weeks it would begin to get a little boring and monotonous). What am I saying? I could never get bored of it. I'm sure I lived in a snow-covered country in my previous life which is why I love to see it so much now; it reminds me of who I used to be ❄☃🌨⛄

One of the things I was hoping for on my whistle-stop tour of America back in 2014 was lots of snow; the weather forecasts leading up to the trip were predicting it. One day we were told we couldn't take a specific route because there was a snow warning so they'd closed the road as a precaution. I packed thermal socks, thick jumpers, my winter coat; hat, scarves, gloves. I was prepared.

I spent most of the trip in t-shirts smothered in factor 50 sun lotion where they suddenly had a heat wave ("most unusual for the time of year" - we kept being told). The only day I saw any snow was when we travelled from our hotel in Cody, through Yellowstone. It was minus 1'c that morning when we left; the only time throughout the 17 days I actually got to put my coat on (it was off again by mid-morning). On the way into the park we stopped at some holiday lodges (no idea why - oh yes, I remember, it was because Moose had been seen previously on some land over the road; we never did see a Moose throughout the whole trip). There was ice on the ground, you could see your breath when you spoke, the grass crunched beneath our feet. I had such high hopes the day was going to bring about proper winter weather and temperatures. Our next stop at the edge of Yellowstone Lake really raised my excited expectations for on top of a wooden railing there was an inch of snow (almost enough to make a snowman ☃☃ if he'd been less than centimetre tall!) and the mountains we could see in the distance were snow-capped. That was the sum extent of it; I never saw another flake. As I've said, by mid-morning we were back in t-shirts, and my coat, thermal socks, or any kind of warm covering never came out of my case again. In fact the temperatures just kept rising until we were experiencing heat well in the hundreds (f'). Not that I wanted enough to stop us being able to travel anywhere, but a few inches here-and-there would have been nice ❄☃🌨⛄ Maybe next time! 

Tuesday, 15 August 2017


Firstly I'd like to start by apologising - no, not because I waffle so much crap you're all bored; I need to apologise for my Perseids post, yesterday. The amount of missing words and spelling mistakes was atrocious, and whilst I know I do it often, it was particularly bad yesterday, even by my standards :) I was, in my defence, extremely tired. What with staying up for the meteors, I've also had my number 1 in hospital, so sleep and I have not really been friends with each other over the past few days. Thank you for asking; yes, she is on the mend and was discharged the same day (they removed a lump the size of an egg and let her out just a few hours later!! What's that all about?.

On the subject of apologies, I had to offer one to my driver today. I was mean to him. In my defence it was warranted to begin with, however, the way I spoke to him was not how I should have done, so when he came back later I said how sorry I was, also explaining why I had been so touchy. As you have probably gathered, I am big enough to admit when I am wrong - too bad some other's aren't!.

You see, what with the not-sleeping, today is also my best friends birthday. The 6th one without her here to celebrate with. I've missed her every year but this year is especially hard because I've been missing her so much in general. I'd have probably taken the afternoon off to go and spend time with her - number 1 would have been included also (which I should think she would have been grateful for, seeing how she is on her own with the little one today (after just having had an op)) so it would have been the 4 of us; or would it? I have no doubt numbers 2 and 3 would have been there too, along with whichever man was the current squeeze in her life (it definitely wouldn't have been the vile piece of shit she married, that much I can promise). We might have gone out for dinner, but most likely we'd have stayed home, ordered a take-away and just spent our time spoiling the little one. She loved being at home. I'd never have considered her for the road trip if she had still been alive; one night away from home and she would get home-sick. I did a couple of over-nighters with her and she was a pain-in-the-arse constantly checking her phone to make sure everything (and everyone) was "ok" at home. I love that she worried about them some much (in one way) not in another, because aside from our jaunt to Belgium (she really did let her hair down then) and the unplanned weekend in Manchester, the rest of the time she just couldn't relax. Maybe  now the younger 2 are older she would have been different (Belgium and Manchester happened before they came along). I'll - sadly - never get to find out. She hated having her photo taken so I don't even really have photo's to remember her by (I think over the hundreds of years we were friends, I have less than a dozen and only 1 with both of us in - which I have no idea where it is; she was always the one behind the camera). It's crazy isn't it? You don't think about these things until after the fact, then you end up thinking about how you should have taken more. Of course, it wasn't always as easy as it is now. These days I'd have loads of us both; back then though, phone's were still in the very early stages of taking a good shot and I didn't have a decent enough camera to warrant carrying one around with me; believe me, I wish I had. Hindsight truly is a wonderful thing! It's sad for the kids as well though, because it means they don't have any photo's of them with their Mum to remember her by. As time goes on and they get older, each memory they have of her will become further and further a distant one to them; a quick look at a photo of her with them could make all the difference to keeping her memory alive. They do have the ones at her wedding, but that's a day we'd all rather forget; plus, the wanker she married is in them all too. 

I've looked everywhere for that "one" photo; I know I used it as my facebook profile photo not long after she died and I would never have deleted it; yet, it's not there. I've been through all the kids photo's too. If only I could remember the password for her fb; I could log in, find it, copy it, and use it. I might scare the shit out of a few people if I did so though, having her suddenly appear in their friends lists again :) As I don't have one of the 2 of us, I've shared one of me taken on the same weekend the one I am looking for was taken (I know when it was, for it was at the 18th birthday party of my number one - my memory isn't good enough for me to remember when photo's are normally taken :) )

I did find some other "old" photo's when I was looking, so all is not lost :) 

Monday, 14 August 2017


So. there I was, rushing my little old Mum along at 22:00 on Saturday night trying to get her ready so I could take her down the beach. All day she'd been mumbling on about the meteor shower and how she would be able to see it better if there wasn't too much light around her (she has bad eyes and there is a streetlight at the bottom of our garden the normally obscures everything). I'd looked skyward when I let the dog out just before 22:00, saw the sky was clear and decided it was time to be a 'good daughter'. I even forewent the bottle of wine I had chilling so I could take her (I really do have my moments where I am the daughter she deserves!!!)

Armed with my camera, water and chocolate for us both, off headed, finding ourselves a nice spot on the beach. Not too close to the other people, not too far away that we were completely isolated. We got set up, got comfy, I loaned Mum a hat and blanket (I'd told her to make sure she took extra's as I knew she'd get cold). 10 minutes later some twat and his girlfriend (who talked non-stop) decided to pull up in front of us and leave their car lights on - the whole 2 hours we were there. Only when we got back in my car did he turn them off (I did get even!!!) While he may have blanked out a lot of the sky I could see (being blinded will do that) he did help enhance a distant wide shot I tried :)

Literally 20 minutes after we arrived, so did the cloud, which proceeded to get thicker by the second. By midnight we'd decided it was time to give up, head off home, by which time the clouds were thicker than my duvet.

I told myself (and Mum) I wasn't giving up until 01:30, and I am so glad I stuck to that. Mum, gave up at 01:10, however when I yelled her about 01:35 she came running. I cannot describe how amazing the sight that beheld us (I will, or course, try) and I am sure that it would have been pretty amazing without cloud, yet with cloud I believe it just enhanced our viewing pleasure. I'd thought I'd seen flashes of light just after she'd left me, then logic said it was someone further over having a party and it was light from that. Then the next batch I saw were higher in the sky; flashes of light whizzing inn all directions from what appeared to be one central point - reds, pinks, greens, whites, and blues. All of this was going on just above my garden gate. 

By the time Mum had joined me (back in the garden) it had died down; she waited with me for 20 minutes before telling me I'd imagined it. At that point I saw them again; she couldn't see quite so well, deciding to try looking out of my bedroom window. Turns out she was seeing a lot more up there than I was. This time the colours were more pronounced, the lights flashing quicker; at least a hundred more than I'd seen earlier. I tried to take photo's but the settings on my camera weren't right for the area they were in (I'd set it up for the area they were meant to be in) so all I ended up with were photo's of the lights (solar ones, not meteoric ones) in the garden. 

There were some pretty weird noises happening around me (I'm guessing the plants were talking to each other!!!! :) ) so I figured I'd try looking out of my own window (Mum had given up again). Wow, what I saw literally blew my mind. The only way I can describe it is this way:-

You know the 'world-is-going-to-end' movies where the world ends via burning pieces of rock entering our atmosphere where they go on to destroy our buildings and earth? Well, they were like that, but not. They were long, they were in the various colours I'd seen earlier, and they all entered at the same time, chasing each other down. They came from my left, shot across the sky to my right; I grabbed my phone to do a slow-mo and the bloody battery died. At one point there were 7 in a row with multiple other's chasing them down. I genuinely still can't believe what I was witnessing. The video below is the only one I've been able to find with a meteor that looks similar. The one at 27 seconds is like the ones I saw, yet I saw dozens of them, all at the same time, all chasing each other down. This lasted a good 2 minutes, then stopped, before starting again at roughly 18 minute intervals; I finally gave up and went to be at 03:35 by which time the last ones I saw weren't quite as abundant.

It truly was the most phenomenal thing I have ever seen. 

Friday, 11 August 2017

Weed killer

This morning, upon arriving at work, I noticed something was a "little off" at the area where our forecourt meets the front wall of the building. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was, so entered the shop and went about my business like usual - putting the kettle on always being the first order of the day. Next on the list is making up the early delivery orders ready for when the driver arrives. The remaining fresh flowers (which haven't gone into the early orders) are then put in water, before I unlock the door to customers, then put the planters out the front on the forecourt ready to get the working day underway (the front goes out and the doors are unlocked anywhere between 08:00 - 08:25 am as we open at 08:30). It was as I was placing a planter against the shop front it struck me what was "off". 

We have a brick forecourt (it's 15ft wide (the width of the building) and 10ft deep (this goes out to the main pathway)). Having the brickwork is much nicer than the plain tarmac which was there when we first opened, but this does mean little clumps of moss have begun to form between the bricks themselves. I'll be honest, I really like it. I think it looks a lot nicer than the sterile looking sand-filled spaces which were there when the bricks were laid. It also reminds me of the area outside the cottage my lovely Nanny and Grandad lived in; the house they resided in was built in 300/400 years ago (I think the patio was relaid a few times over the years since the time of building but it had been down a good few years before they moved in). 

Because there is also a gap between the bricks and the front of the building, occasionally we will get a few weeds grow up - they're actually really quite pretty and cover the starkness of the white panels which make up the bottom half of our windows. Several people have said to me over the years "You need to get some weed killer out here" to which I always reply "No, I don't; I like it and besides all flowers began their lives as weeds". Once they start to die off and go straggly I pull them up, but until then I am happy for them to stay right where they are. They've not doing anyone any harm so it really pissed me off the other week when a customer (I absolutely cannot stand the sight of) thought it was 'ok' to pull one out (it had just begun to flower). 

So, what was it that caught my attention this morning? Some f***er has only gone and sprayed weed killer all over them. How f***ing dare they? As yet, nobody is owning up to it, but when I found out who has done it they will certainly not ever think about doing to me (or anyone else) again. I am so angry there's not even a word invented yet to describe how I am feeling. Not because they've killed the weeds (although they had no right to do so). No, I'm angry because our aircon unit expels it's water out the front, thus forming a small puddle of water. This puddle is often a source of refreshment for dogs out on walks with their owners, or those who are hanging around waiting for their chips from the shop next door. I've seen the fox lap at it, several cats and quite often the sparrows will flap around in it (I'm making it sound like a huge puddle - it's not; it's only about a centimetre deep and spreads maybe 18 inches wide, 6 deep) however, it's enough for these creatures to get a bit of a fix. Now, I've had to put a note on the window telling people to "Not" let their animals drink from it. I only hope none have done so, before I realised what had happened. 

Having the audacity to destroy my weeds growing on my forecourt is one thing, but putting the lives of animals at risk is something completely different. 

Thursday, 10 August 2017

Admitting it's over

Nobody ever wants to give up on something/someone unless they absolutely have to, do they? I've always believed you never give up until there is literally no hope remaining - this works for absolutely anything; life, goals, challenges and love. "No, don't be silly", I'm not giving up on the fund raising part of things; that will never happen for I know there is always the chance it will succeed (I know it will). 

This time, I'm talking about love. Not love in the general sense for I still believe one day someone will come along, whisk me off my feet and show me what it's all about - I know, how weird is that from someone like me, after all I've experienced? The love I'm talking about is the one I've had since I was a mere 12 years old. I should never have even known what love felt like at that age, but I did, and I've felt it every day since. 

Don't get me wrong; I've not been sat around pining. I got on with my life, for the most part I've enjoyed much of it, but he was always there in the back of my mind. I think the biggest problem (for me) is that it never really ended - to be honest though, it never really began either. One night he just stood me up and was never seen again until 8 years later when he was standing next to me at the bar at a wedding. At that point I was living with (and engaged to) someone else, however the second I laid eyes on him all those feelings came flooding back. We chatted, we laughed, we even had a dance together, then at the end of the night he was gone again. One thing he did say which struck me as odd though was "how come you're allowed to be with him?" in regards to my fiance (who was at the wedding with me). I remember laughing as I told him I could be with "anyone I wanted". The conversation never went any further. As the years have passed I've told myself many times I must have heard him wrong; I think maybe he uttered something similar but the noise from the reception and my own love for him, interpretted it as him saying that. Our minds can play nasty tricks on us.

It was another 3 years before I saw him next; he came into the shop I was working in. I can't tell you how I behaved, because it was utterly pathetic. I was a 27 year old woman behaving like the silly little 12 year old I had been on our first meeting. I don't know what it is about the man but he just sends me totally skitty. The job I was doing was a temporary thing; I was there helping out for just 2 weeks. 3 times during those 2 weeks he came in and one day he walked by the shop 3 or 4 times looking in (this time with a friend). I got the distinct impression it was for my benefit, however, I also think he was doing it just for something to do. My feelings for him have never been in doubt so I think him and the friend he was with were basically just being "twats", doing it for their own enjoyment because I did go bright red and get flustered every time I saw him. 

Fast forward another year. My best friend lived in a first floor flat. At the time another mutual friend of ours was living there, along with her boyfriend and occasionally I stayed to - we used to laugh that we were all going to end up in a commune together somewhere. One day I was working down the road, so nipped up to hers for lunch (I'd also picked up something for dinner for us all that night and wanted to get it in the fridge). Whenever I was there alone I'd sit looking out of the window watching the world go by. It was one of those neighbourhoods where there was always something going on. This person was secretly seeing that person, while their neighbour was knocking off someone else's husband wife; Louis and I became the talk of the gossips for a while when we first got together (they could have based a whole TV series around the comings and goings of that estate). Can you imagine my surprise when as I am sat there I watch him (the love of my life) get out of the removal van which had pulled up, where he grabbed a box, marched across the green between the road and the flats and took the box into the flat directly below my best friends. He was directly below me as I ate my lunch (as least I was meant to be eating my lunch - once I'd seen him I couldn't eat a thing). I watched him the whole time I was at lunch trying to work out if it was him moving in, if he was with a woman and they were moving in (I think I would have cried if I'd seen him with a woman) or if he was helping a friend (turns out it was his workmates Mum and he'd been dragged in to help out). When I left to go back to work, I exited the building just as he was entering it. He looked as surprised to see me as I had been him. We did the whole "hey, how are you?" bit before he said "this is heavy; I'd best get it inside" He did ask if I would be about later, to which I of course replied "yes, absolutely". As I neared my car my best friends boyfriend appeared; we chewed the fat (like you do) and I could see the man of my dreams staring at us. He began to walk back towards us as my friends BF (who by this time had begun to walk away) shouted back to me "am I cooking tonight?" I replied "no I am, I popped the bits in the fridge so don't get eating them before I get home" (we all called the place 'home'). It was only after I got back to work I realised that the love-of-my-life would have been able to hear the whole conversation and had probably put 2 and 2 together to get 4.4. It could only have been interpreted (by someone who didn't know) that me and the BF were a couple. That was in 1997, some 20 years ago; I've never seen him since.

I've no idea if there was ever a chance he may have felt just the tiniest bit for me, of what I felt for him (I very much doubt it) but if he had I know any small chance I may have had of being with him ended that lunchtime.

That still never stopped me thinking about him, dreaming about him (a lot!!) or wondering the whole "what if?". Realistically I've known since that night in 1988 when he stood me up there was never going to be anything but somewhere in the back of my mind there was always that one tiny droplet of "hope". 

Several years ago he did pop up on my facebook; you when you get the whole "someone you might know" thing show up. There was his face. My heart stopped. I clicked on his profile (it was private) and was going to poke him (back when it was still acceptable to do such things). His fb wasn't set up to receive pokes; instead I decided to send him a message. I just put something random (I still have the message so know exactly what I put but I'm not sharing that with you!!!). He came back with a reply, very short and mumbled something about being in Africa. When I asked whether for work or pleasure he never responded, so that was the end of that. I found out since from a mutual friend he lives in Africa these days with his wife (I'd not want to live there but I don't mind admitting I am a wee bit jealous of his wife, and I'm not a jealous person by nature).  I have messaged him once since then, back in June of this year when he turned 50. I sent him a Happy Birthday. He never replied. That hurt but hey ho; I know my place and have been thinking since then I need to finally erase him from my mind (which is really not an easy thing to do - even more so when last week a friend of mine (who is friends with him only because of me) had commented on a fb status he'd put - it was something about how you met people - I'm not really sure what it was about as such, for I didn't pay that much attention; I only knew about it as she tagged me as the reason she knows him and he'd replied to her "the good old days". Even if I'd been able to I wouldn't have responded to it - he's married and I don't go down that route - not even for him.  I couldn't have even if I wanted to though as him and I are not friends on FB - I'm going to assume he's not blocked me or I wouldn't have seen what she had said to him but I'm not one of those people who will go stalking someone. I've looked at his profile just the once when I sent him the first message those few years back, and I only went on it then because it was the only way I could get the link to message him. 

I'd already decided I needed to get rid from my mind, then today another friend messaged to tell me he'd been in the country last month. He was staying less than 10 miles away from me. Now, I know he was here to visit his family (he has a daughter and grandson - that I know of; there could be more) but he was traveling alone, so I figure if he really felt anything for me, he might have dropped me a line to let me know he was about and we could maybe have caught up over coffee. 

It's a really weird feeling, because, as I've said, I know there was never going to be a me and him, yet deep in the back of my mind, I always hoped - I believe you have to hold on to hope, or what is the point? Yet, here I am now, on this day, knowing that once and for all I have to finally let go. 35 years I've held a torch for him, I literally have no idea how I even go about letting go (shit, now that bloody awful frozen song is in my head!!!!!). I just know that I'm not doing myself any favours by continuing to hope, not that I would turn down a perfectly acceptable man if he was to ask me out. I'm not that much of a sad muppet! 

I guess the final remnants of my childhood (the time when I actually, genuinely believed "anything is possible" and the only time I've really liked myself) are now properly over. Time to 'turn-the-page' and begin a new chapter, however much I may want to keep reading the same page.